Drama Queen

Today I went to a basketball game. We won. I don't really think that basketball is my sport, though. I mean, football pretty much took up the only space I had left in my heart for sport-watching. I like ice hockey and baseball too. But football takes the cake. Anyway, I did manage to get into it the last five minutes. That's probably because we went into overtime and the last five minutes were the most exciting and suspenseful of the entire game.

Last Friday, I went to a hockey game. I spent most of it talking to my friends, and didn't fully pay attention until we went into overtime. And then I was clinging to the edge of my seat (actually, I'm pretty sure I was trying to maintain my balance on the bleacher I was standing on) while they had a shootout. We won that one too.

I also have a penchant for dramatic television shows. I used to watch a lot of Degrassi (like, back in middle school). I went through a phase of watching Desperate Housewives, I've seen a lot of Criminal Minds and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. I just recently started watching The Vampire Diaries (and even more recently decided I need to quit watching it). Sometimes I like America's Next Top Model, I used to watch Hell's Kitchen, and I had a thing for Cake Boss for a while too (you know, they have their family drama). But all of these shows are kind of pointless. Only a couple of them have a decent plot. ALL of them are fraught with sin and swear words. Most of them are hour-long shows. And I've gone through phases of watching hours upon hours of a couple of them.

What's my point? My point is that I think I like me some drama. I think I like me some excitement. I mean, doesn't life feel so much more interesting when your adrenaline is pumping and you're slightly scared for someone's life (or maybe just someone's unguarded goal)? Yes. Yes it does feel that way. And I think maybe some of this penchant for emotion and drama has carried over into my walk with God.

I think that almost every Christian (if not every Christian) has this idea that he or she needs to feel something in order to believe that God is present and active. But feelings don't equal knowledge. In fact, most philosophers believe that senses are a really bad way to validate anything. It's all about circular reasoning and blah-de-blah. Rabbit trails. But seriously, how many times do you go through ups and downs? And how many times do you face serious doubts during those downs?

I'm pretty sure I can flip-flop like it's my job. One day I'm rocking the good-feeling Christian vibe. The next day, I'm burned out before it's even eight o'clock. What's with the inconsistency? Do my feelings mean that God isn't totally, completely, 100% constant? Absolutely not. And, I don't really know the answer to the inconsistency question...(if I did, I probably wouldn't even be writing about this). But I do KNOW that my feelings don't dictate reality. Emotions simply provide a skewed reflection of the truth. And sometimes it's so skewed that there might not even be any truth left.

Feelings and drama and excitement just aren't every day occurrences  Sure, there might be a little burst of excitement every day, but imagine living in a constant state of excitement. Your heart would explode. Your fight-or-flight mechanism would drive you to an asylum. Your face would be bright red and hot all the time. Your armpits would be sweating nonstop, and your body odor would be through the roof. There would be goosebumps all over you. You would never get any sleep, but you probably wouldn't even notice how tired you were because you would be so keyed up. It would be sheer madness. Absolute, complete, utter insanity.

And that's why we don't live like that. That's why we can't. That's why we (and by we, I mean me) need to understand that emotions aren't everything. Emotions aren't truth. Emotions aren't reality. Emotions are the color inside the lines - sometimes outside of them too. Emotions are the spice. But they are not the main course. They cannot be. 

Moments

So...I sometimes have these moments where God like says something to me (usually in like an indirect sort of fashion) and I feel like they might be worth sharing. So here goes:

Moment Number 1: During our prayer group this week, my prayer leader was talking briefly about how our relationship with God might compare to one with a boy. She said something along the lines of 'Would you want to be in a relationship with a guy that you only ever talked two twice a week? And maybe spent little bits of time with every day, but never really went deeper than that?' She then mentioned the ferocity and purity with which God pursues all of us. And it just got me thinking that that is so true! I've found, especially since being here at college, that relationship building takes time and effort. You don't just form relationships over night, but you definitely don't form them if you don't put forth any effort.

A good example of putting forth effort vs. not putting forth effort can be seen with the people I do and don't talk to. Certain gal pals of mine on the hall are really close to me because either I go into their room to see them or they come into mine. We eat meals together. We plan times to hang out when our schedules don't exactly mesh. We text and chat on Facebook. We keep the lines of communication flowing regularly. And since we pretty much live together, we grow close quickly. But then there are the girls I don't see as much because they've moved off the hall or because their friend-circles are different from mine. It's not that we don't still care about each other or that we completely dislike each other and want to stop hanging out. It's just that we've slowly stopped talking all the time, or eating meals together, or hanging out a lot, or even just popping in to say hello. Communication really makes a difference.

It's the same way with God. If I go long enough without really attempting to connect with Him, things get sort of dry on my side. I start to either lose interest or think that He must not care for me anymore. But that's crazy because God NEVER stops putting forth effort. We just can't always see what He's doing when He's doing it.

Moment Number 2: A guy in one of my classes recently gave a very powerful testimony. Towards the end, he started talking about how he knew God could equip him to overcome whatever God allowed into his life because he found his identity in God and not in people. In the context of the testimony (which I don't feel like I necessarily have the rights to disclose on the internet) it was crazy super awesome to hear him say that. And it's also so true! God is faithful in every situation but the main way that we can know that is if we seek Him ardently enough to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that our identity comes from Him.

People can spread rumors or lies, they can up and leave you unexpectedly, they are just as messed up as you are and have just as much baggage or sin in their lives. There is pretty much no way that a person can love you as purely and ferociously as God does. People will always fail. God never fails. So why would I want to depend on people to tell me I'm worth something? It's true that this isn't anywhere near as big of a deal to me as it used to be, but I still slip and I know I still care what people think of me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I don't.

{Those are just some tidbits of thought I felt might be worth something.}

Hide and Seek

Oh, the childhood game of Hide and Seek. It was one of my favorites. I always really enjoyed the hiding part. Seeking seemed...exhausting. And sometimes boring. Mostly I just had no idea where to start, and I'm pretty sure I'd give up way too easily. As I'm typing up this description, I'm kind of becoming aware that this may or may not be how my relationship with God is sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean right now).

It's so easy to hide from Him. Okay. I can never actually hide from God. But, you know what I mean. It's easy to shut out the voice in the back of your head saying things like "Have you read your Bible yet today? Should you really be watching this TV show? Is that song the most glorifying thing you can be singing? Is that skirt just a little too short? Are you sure you really need to be eating again?" It's easy to turn off your alarm clock, roll over, and tell yourself you'll read your Bible later in the day. It's easy to say a quick meal-time prayer, a quick goodnight or good morning one, and never actually stop to think about what you're saying. It's easy to cop out.

But I'm finding that the farther I walk with God and the more I know about Him and what He's done for me, the harder it becomes for me to hide. Part of me wants to do some seeking. Or, at least, part of me wants to want that. But then the fallible, human side of me is like "Girl, you're reading your Bible. You're writing in your prayer journal. If God doesn't respond, maybe that's on Him."

And maybe there is a chance that I'm going through one of those quiet times. One of those times when God holds back, when He's not letting me "feel" His presence, when He decides to test my faithfulness or willingness or something else ending with "ness" to see what I'll do. Like when He seemed to just sort of ignore the Israelites for 400 years. Or when He just kind of let Abraham go for a while. He never left. He just held back.

Whether God's holding back (and let me be clear that when I say He's "holding back," I mean that He's not allowing certain things in my life. It's not to say that He's completely withdrawn, wants nothing to do with me, or has abandoned me) or not, I still need to decide if I'm going to hold up my end of the relationship. Am I still willing to make time for Him, even when I don't feel like it? Am I still choosing to love and honor Him, even when I feel like He's just left me? Am I actively pursuing a relationship? Am I legitimately trying to to seek Him? Or am I writing down the right words, praying the right prayers, telling myself everything is okay when I really have no idea?

Am I done hiding? Am I ready to take my turn and seek?

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13 {NASB}

Busy Bee

So far this semester has been a little cray. With moving to a new housing set-up, adjusting to a new roommate, balancing out a new schedule, and figuring out how to deal with the MASSIVE amount of homework I have on a weekly basis, I've been kind of all over the place. But I've finally found some time (in my daily amount of procrastination) to sit and type up a long overdue blog post. Here is some info about my life.

I'm really enjoying my Philosophy class this semester. Between that, Psychology, and my Biblical Worldview class, I've been really challenged to delve into the world of critical thought. And it's a good world, my friends. The point kept coming up (from all these different people and quotes and sermons and things) that Christians have a tendency to avoid philosophical-type thought because they're too eager to get a career or they think it doesn't apply to them. But how are we supposed to evangelize to people who think that way if we aren't capable of doing the same thing?

And, catch up fact #2: I went into a temporary state of self-inflicted social isolation. By that I mean that I ate alone almost every day for two weeks, or I would hide behind the excuse of homework to avoid potentially awkward situations, or I wouldn't turn and get to know the random people that sometimes sit next to me in class (I still have a problem with that. I feel like I might for a while...). But this past weekend, I was actually around people, and I remembered how really nice it is to have friends. So hopefully I won't do that again. At least, not to the degree which I was doing it.

I think for now that's about it. Oh. A friend challenged me to do my devotions first thing in the morning. I've been successful about 75% of the time since the challenge was issued. And then some mornings (like today and yesterday) it just didn't quite happen. I'll let you know how that continues...