Hello Alone

Oh, to feel like the tiniest fish in an overpopulated sea. How does one define loneliness? Sometimes it’s arbitrary. Sometimes it’s just plain unavoidable. And why does one feel lonely to begin with?

Who decided to feed me these lies about being alone? Just because I don’t have a vast variety of friends, or because the “right” guys haven’t shown interest in me doesn’t mean that I’m alone. In fact, I think I’ve made a good deal of friends since first arriving here. I mean, it’s not like it used to be, but high school was different. High school was easy because I had been around the same core group of people from 2^nd grade up. You can’t help but get to know everyone in a situation like that.

College is different. College is seeing the same people maybe three times a week, if you’re lucky. College is working hard for friendships, planning when you get together with people, hoping for that chance reunion when it’s someone you don’t know how to get in contact with. College isn’t even in the same universe as high school.

But I keep having this nagging feeling that I don’t know anyone and that I don’t have anybody I can just sit and talk to. This isn’t entirely true. A few people have already proven to be extremely trustworthy confidants and have listened to me cry and have prayed with me. But again, there comes the whole “I don’t see the same exact people every day at the same time” thing. I think that’s one of the big things that messes me up. Me + Unpredictability has never = good feelings.

It doesn’t help that I barely talk to any of my friends from back home. Most of them are in the exact same place as me in that they have their own college adventures to sort through. It’s crazy town trying to make new friends and keep the old, especially when the old are all hundreds of miles away from you. And it doesn’t help that this past weekend, some blasts from my not-so-distant-past were here for a visit.

I L O V E T H O S E K I D S. Period. The end. Love. Them. And it was so super nice just to know that they were all really close by. That I could meet up with them whenever. That I could hug them, talk to them, see them face-to-face. And just as soon as they were here, they were gone. And it really, really doesn’t help that one of them happens to be a pretty close friend. It just makes the awareness of my loneliness that much greater.

So when does the whole meeting Mr. Right part happen? And when does my core group of super encouraging, hardcore Christian friends come along? And when does my homework become easier to balance with my sleeping schedule and social life? And when, oh when, do I understand exactly what God wants from me?

I’m sorry that I asked that question last. God should not be an afterthought. I’d really like it if I just put Him on the throne where He belongs and if I would stop putting myself there instead. It’s really, really not okay of me. So I guess my whole feeling bad about my relationship with God thing also doesn’t help with the loneliness part…

Civil War of the Soul

Now that I'm not at the peak of emotional craziness, I think I might actually be able to write a coherent post...

Have you ever been gripped with crippling fear while at the same time been deafened by roaring conviction? That's been my life lately.

Apparently going to a Christian school means you stand the risk of feeling convicted after your classes. Who knew? And taking a whole class on how to evangelize while never really trying it in real life? Yep. It's a recipe for conviction. Hardcore conviction.

I have this friend that keeps popping up in my head when my prof brings up people we should pray for. She's the only one I ever think of, though I know I have other unsaved friends. I feel like maybe God wants me to pay attention, because that seems to be the thing He always does when He wants me to wake up to something (ask me to tell you about the time I was "stalked" by Psalm 139). But it's kind of hard for me to know what to do with the conviction.

"Act! Just pray! Do SOMETHING!" That seems to be my instinct. But at the same time, I'm not sure that's enough. Hold on a minute there. Backpedal. Not sure that praying is enough? That's seriously cheapening the power of prayer, and ultimately the power of God. Why am I flawed? And fallen? And plain old forgetful? Sometimes (a lot of the time) I wish I could be perfect. But I know I won't ever make it there on my own strength.

But the whole "civil war" part of this post comes into play when I feel the conviction and it's almost instantly followed up by fear. Fear of not knowing what to do, not having the words to say, not ever being able to make up for the missed opportunities (and kid, you better believe there's a lot of those). I prayed with my prayer leader and both my RAs about this on Friday. One of them prayed that I would have discernment to tell between guilt and conviction. Sometimes there is a fine, fine line.

I'm not sure where I stand as far as that line is concerned, but I do know that I'm not praying enough. That was something my other RA mentioned - was I praying about/for her? "Not enough," I said, feeling somewhat embarrassed and mostly just ashamed. But then again, I'm one of those beat-myself-up-about-every-little-thing-types of people, so naturally I'm gonna say it's not enough even if by some miracle it is.

So that's my civil war right now. Flesh versus Soul. Spirit versus Sinful Nature. Andrea versus the rest of Andrea. Not super fun. It's not every day, but it's been frequent, and I'm fully expecting it to continue (I also sort of want it to).

FUN FACT: During the first week of school, I told a group of guys (because they were the ones I got stuck in a group with) that I wanted to be challenged during this school year. Challenged academically and spiritually. Yeah, learn from my mistakes. Be careful what you pray for. You might just get it.

Wanted

If you've been a fan of my blogging since I started way back in 2009 then you know that I have this mild obsession with the idea of a boyfriend. Do note that I said "idea." And if you didn't know, now you do. I, like most girls my age, am interested in males. I enjoy befriending them, conversing with them, laughing at (or with) them. Sometimes I even enjoy flirting with them...but I'm not always good at that - which is probably more of a blessing and less of a curse. But anyhow, I like boys.

It's been a little while since I've had a legitimate crush on a boy. At the summer camp I work at, we're strongly discouraged from getting "involved" with each other during the summer, so most of my attractions there become prayer requests for focus and accountability questions that my friends and/or supervisor ask me about. In other words, I don't get the chance to just sit and daydream about them. And after camp, I'm usually less interested or I feel like it just gets weird or...I don't know. Maybe it's the whole out of sight, out of mind thing.

Whatever it is, boys haven't been a super huge deal for me (at least not on a specific person kind of level) until now. I'm teetering on the edge of a very crushy crush right now. And when I have a crush, it usually backfires for me. I don't mean that to say that they dislike me or they find out and it gets awkward or anything like that. Mostly I just mean that I end up belittling myself and telling myself there's no way on earth So-and-So could ever like me. He's too cool...he's too good for me...he's friends with prettier [and overall better] girls...blah blah blah insecurities. So, yeah, for me, not having a crush is kind of a good thing. Plus I so don't need that distraction on top of EVERY OTHER ONE right now. Man, college is hard work. I have to manage my time like crazy. Uck.

Yeah, so, I have a crush on someone. Yippee skippee. But I don't really feel like getting all stupid and girly and insecure again. And I don't really feel like I NEED a boyfriend. I just kind of want one. I was thinking about it tonight and I realized that most of the time when I daydream about boys or picture me with one, it's  us holding hands and being cutesy, or hugging and being cutesy, or taking cutesy hand holding/hugging pictures and posting them on Facebook and making people gag because of how stinking adorable we are. (I didn't actually get that involved when I first realized this - I stopped after the hugging part). But to me, that's all how I define love. Like, there are those different love languages and mine is so touch. I ADORE HUGS. Granted they have to be happy, non-creeperish hugs, but still. Hugs all the way. And I feel like if I had a hand to hold, I would so hold that hand all the time. (and hopefully the hand would be attached to a person...)

So I realized that I only daydream about hugs and hand holding and that I only want a boyfriend because I want to be loved. And then I was like "I am loved." Hello Jesus Christ, Lover of my soul. It was during a worship service that I was realizing all of this so this was when they were singing "How He Loves" (the sloppy, wet kiss style - none of that pansy "unforseen" stuff. For the record, I originally learned the song with the sloppy wet kiss part and so I'm kind of sentimental about it). Anyway, I had this realization while they were singing that song. And I was like "I so am loved." Like, that song blows me out of the water because it paints this awesome, awesome picture of God's love for us.

He is jealous for me/loves like a hurricane/I am the tree/bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy/And all of a sudden/I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/and I realize just how beautiful You are/and how great Your affections are for me

I could type out the whole song, but I'll spare you. I feel like it's just so beautiful and I always really like singing it. I also thought of Romans 5...

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (v.6-8)

While we were still sinners. I thought "God loves me so much that He already bought me!" It made me think of how people order things online. You can't hold the item or do anything with it until it reaches you in the mail. But you're willing to buy it, even though you can't have it right away, because that's how much you want it. The example kind of falls short, but do you get my basic idea? God loves us so much and wants us so much that He was willing to pay for us, even though we might make Him wait. We might never say "Yeah, sure, I'll be packaged and shipped to that guy." He was willing to make a payment that could potentially be worth nothing. That would be like ordering that item and knowing there's a 50% chance you will never receive it. But you're willing to risk it all because that's how much you want it. God was willing to risk it all because that's how much He wants us.

So I don't need a boyfriend if I only want him to be a human manifestation of God's love. I'll admit, sometimes it's downright hard to believe God loves me because I don't have Him here to hug and hold hands with. But that doesn't mean He doesn't still love me, because He does. And it doesn't mean He doesn't still want me, because He does.

I just thought this was cool and I felt like sharing.

Does that make me crazy?

Have you ever done something so uncharacteristic that you know it must be God leading you to do it? That happened to me today.

I have this thing with picking up trash. Since working at camp in 2010, I've gotten to the point where I can pick out pieces of litter almost anywhere I go. And it bugs me to no end. They encourage us to pick up trash at camp because if the staff doesn't, no one will and camp will be gross. I remember after the summer of 2010, I went out with a bunch of camp people to go mini-golfing and there was trash in the parking lot. I wanted so bad to pick it up, but then I remembered it was "real world trash" and not "camp trash," so it was probably a whole lot dirtier. At least, that was my justification back then...

In 2011, I'm pretty sure I picked up trash, but I don't really remember. But this past summer, I was like hardcore convicted to pick up trash. I found myself turning around to pick it up when I passed by. I also found myself feeling serious guilt when I hardened my heart and walked right by the pieces I so clearly noticed.

Fun fact: This conviction has not stopped with camp stopping. For the past few weeks I've seen trash all over campus. And it still bugs the boogers out of me. If the trash was especially bad (like, a tampon - it was in a wrapper!...and there have now been 2 of them) then I picked it up. But almost always I passed it by. I would look right. at. it. and just keep going

Today God didn't let me do that. I was on my way across campus to get to my dorm when I spotted a comb on the ground. Someone was right behind me and I didn't feel like getting in his way. I also was like "meh, no biggie." But then I noticed a plastic bag wrapped around a pole and felt the need to pick that up. So I went back and picked up the comb because my Biblical Worldviews teacher's voice rang through my head "Sometimes I pick up trash and sometimes I don't. I have an inconsistent worldview." And then, of course, there were like 2 or 3 other pieces of trash right around there, so I picked those up to.

The whole way up the hill I was stopped by trash. At one point, I climbed up a really steep part with mulch (I'm pretty sure you're not technically supposed to walk on it) and had to stick my leg under a bush to pull out a burger box. This kid was walking by and he looked at me like I was nuts. Quite honestly, I felt nuts. I continued picking up trash, sometimes forcing myself to turn around (like the time with the second tampon. Two girls were walking towards me, so I obviously couldn't pick it up in front of them. Because clearly the opinion of two strangers matters. Do note the sarcasm here) and sometimes just accepting that there was trash and I was the one who was supposed to pick it up.

Do not be impressed. A couple girls spotted me picking up trash right in front of the dorm and complimented me. I was like NO ARG. I complained to God almost the whole time. I tried to harden my heart. For every piece I picked up, I know that I left five pieces on the ground (maybe not today, but at least in the past). And it so wasn't even about being seen. The only person that I know for sure saw me looked at me like I was insane. I'm really not sure why I felt so convicted, but I figured I'd at least pick up the trash, even if I don't usually and I whined the whole time. Hopefully God understands my complaints. Imma have to sort that out with Him tonight...

Perspective

This post is not for the faint-hearted. Or the weak-stomached.

So...I donated blood on Thursday. I did it back in February (fun fact: that time was also on a Thursday...) and everything went so smoothly. I filled the bag with plenty of time left and I didn't really even feel that weird. I had a few moments later of lightheadedness, but that seemed pretty normal. I have my mom to thank for the lack of sickness that first time. Without her coaching me to drink water like a crazy person and eat like it was my last meal, I probably would've experienced what I experienced on Thursday.

I hydrated myself. Like, hardcore, going to the bathroom possibly 10 times all day, drinking like it was my job hydrated. (That was a very long and poorly written sentence, haha) So what went wrong? Well, it was a Thursday, so my first class wasn't until two, which meant I didn't get up until like 11:45, so I didn't make it to breakfast. Open mouth, insert granola bars. Then I went to lunch at 12 and had two pieces of pizza. And at 12:30, I checked in at registration.

I sat on the bench, psyching myself up, telling myself I was gonna be fine, I was hydrated, I was golden. The whole needle-in-the-arm-bit was slightly uncomfortable. The whole time, the workers were asking if I was okay, and the whole time I was. Right until the very end when the woman was filling up the last few tubes (which I guess are used for like data collection and testing for diseases that make my blood harmful). I got a little nervous because my arm kind of hurt and the bag was full so I was ready to just be done. And then my head started to feel a little funny.

Of course I mentioned this to them. And then my vision got a little blurry and my hearing got a little weird. So they laid me back. And then I started sweating like I've never sweat before. So they put cold compresses and ice packs on me, along with a fan. And then I felt nauseous, so they propped me up a bit, gave me orange juice, and a trashcan. They had me eat a few pretzels and I threw up a bit. My stomach settled a bit after that, and suddenly I really had to go to the bathroom (that happens a lot when I'm nervous). So they told me I wasn't ready to stand yet and they got someone to push me to the bathroom on this weird wheel-chair.

Talk about being a spectacle. I wasn't entirely paying attention but I KNOW people were looking at me funny. So walking into the bathroom, the nurse held onto my arm. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and that was probably the scariest moment of the whole day. White face with white lips, messed up hair, and dark circles under my eyes. I looked dead. Then I commenced with going to the bathroom, the whole time being asked if I was okay. I didn't want to stand back up to flush but I knew I couldn't just chill there on the toilet. I flushed and got out as soon as I could, but right when the stall door swung open, my head went WHOO! and my vision was almost entirely gone. [New Perspective #1]

They wheeled me back to the main hall at super speed, and I still couldn't really see. Apparently one of the guys from my brother dorm saw me at this point. I was mildly embarrassed when he asked me if I was "on a stretcher" yesterday. I'm sure I looked lovely. Anyhow, they had me lie down for a while with the ice pack. They gave me some ginger-ale. This girl named Grace kept talking to me. She was pretty much the nicest stranger I've ever met. After about twenty minutes of just chilling there, they had me try and stand up. Oh, before that part I was eating some pretzels and this super nasty candy bar. But then I stood up and moved out into the open.

So I'm sitting in the "canteen" - essentially a table with a bunch of munchies. And they were like "Here eat this candy bar" and I was like no thanks, so then they gave me some cookies (equally nasty, sorry Keebler, you just weren't doing it for me...). And then I felt like I was gonna puke again. I told them and they gave me a trash can. Almost instantly my stomach contents were no longer in my stomach. Upon completion of the upheaval, I sat there and said "Darn!" because I really hoped I would be better.

They of course made me lie back down. And one of the nurses informed me that if I got sick again, they would probably have to call 911. It was panic time. I cried and texted a whole bunch of people, asking for prayer. My RA was one of those people, so she rushed down to see me. And then she waited with me the whole time. I drank more ginger-ale, did NOT eat, and was able to sit up and be okay. We got the campus police to drive us back to the dorm:)

And this morning I woke up with a hole in my stomach - SO hungry. [Low blood sugar = New Perspective #2] [Experiencing crazy sickness, dizziness, and realizing the very real risk that I could potentially pass out ALL day = New Perspective #3].

So if you've made it this far, please, keep reading.

#1: I don't think I've ever experienced true blindness before. It was terrifying. Not only was it scary because I couldn't see,  but I was also starting to lose my sense of hearing and half my brain felt like it was missing. It was a scary moment. But now I understand (just BARELY) what life might be like for blind people.

#2: I think I got a small taste of what diabetics go through. I've been worried about my blood sugar all day. Not fun times.

#3: I have a new appreciation for people who spend their lives going through episodes like that every day due to random illnesses. It was really scary, and I don't know how people do it. I mean, I got the full circle of treatments: breathing into a brown bag, being pushed around on a chair, having people lead me through my temporary blindness. Very alarming.

I don't know how people live through sickness. And I'm so grateful that people exist who are willing to donate blood, and that there are just as many people nearby to help those of us who don't donate wisely. Moral of the story: Eat before you give blood. (Okay, there are several morals to this story, but still...)

Oh, Those Freshman Moments

Join us now as we look into the exciting adventures of Andrea's rookie mistakes...

Okay, so I really haven't had anything super embarrassing happen yet, but there have been a few moments I found to be at least a little amusing, haha. So these are a few of my "favorite" Freshman moments. (ya know, the kind of moments that are only funny AFTER the fact).

FIRST: I had to take an online quiz for a freshman seminar class. It was required, pretty boring, and not entirely helpful, but it's not worth complaining about and it really wasn't that bad. Anyhow, the quiz was open notes (hallelujah) and there was a slideshow to go along with it that we could reference. My laptop is not equipped with Microsoft Powerpoint or Excel, so I had to go to the computer lab to take the quiz. I went there, logged on, opened up the powerpoint, and then I began my quiz. Part way into it, I realized I needed my handbook in order to take the quiz. My handbook that was back in my dorm. SO I tried to call my roommate, but she was sleeping, which meant that I then had to run ALL the way back to my dorm (did I mention I was on the third floor?) and get my book. I was also still logged on with the quiz running because it was on a timer and I couldn't pause it. I called my roommate again and she answered and very tiredly got my book. By the time I reached the door of my room, she was about to come out so I just took it from her there and rushed back. I did fine on the quiz but it was one of those really frustrating moments.

SECOND: This one's mostly funny. I was making a salad in the cafeteria and it was pretty much a do-it-yourself style salad bar. I got down to the ham and noticed that the spoon was facing the inside of the little kiosky thinger. I reached across whatever was inside the compartment in front of the ham and grabbed the spoon, then the lady standing behind the counter turned and noticed. She just looked at me, straight faced, and shook her head. Then I was like "No? Oh, I'm sorry!" because I realized what I did wrong. She took the spoon, scooped the ham onto my salad and was like "Do you want anything else?" I just said no really sheepishly and walked away. That one was pretty embarrassing, I guess.

THIRD: Today (the final inspiration I needed to actually write this post) was the most ridiculous yet. Two of my friends from my hall wanted to work out, so all three of us walked ALL THE WAY ACROSS CAMPUS (that part is important) to the student union building where all the work out equipment is. THEN as soon as we reached the parking lot, I realized I left my student ID in my dorm and they probably weren't going to let me in. I asked the lady at the counter if I could just tell her my number and she was like "Nope. Sorry. I need your pass." So I had to walk ALL THE WAY BACK ACROSS CAMPUS to my dorm to get my pass. And I didn't have my key either, so I had to bang on the door really loud first. Thankfully one of my friends has a car and kindly drove me back :)

Hopefully I'll learn from these stupid things and not make the same mistakes again. Oh, and then there was that awkward moment on my fourth day of English class when I didn't have any of my assignments done. Another "fun" moment...