Reflections Upon 2012

I liked to do end-of-the-year posts on my other blog. I don't think that's a tradition I want to stop. And besides, this year was kind of a huge deal in my life, so, here goes:

January: I honestly can't remember a whole, whole lot from the month of January. It was shortly after finding out I got accepted to my college of choice. It was pretty much an average, semi-uneventful month. I worked a couple weekends at camp. That was cool.

February: Much the same as January, not a whole lot happened. I worked a few more weekends at camp, and I went on a retreat with my youth group. It was enough to pull me from my winter-slump mode (I tend to get brought down by cold weather).

March: I visited my college again:) I dealt with all that pre-prom drama. It was a pretty standard month.

April: Went to Disney World with my high school. Lived with an unhealthy procrastination problem. Pretty typical.

May: Prom. Hanging on through the last bits of high school by a thread.

June: GRADUATED. I had pretty much the best precamp training of my life, ever. Started an amazing summer at camp.

July: Worked the whole month, minus the one week reserved for time off, where I prepped for college.

August: Camp ended. Two days later, I was in Virginia, learning how to live on my own. Classes started and I was challenged with making new friends (among other small challenges). It was also when I started this blog:)

September: Had my first birthday without my parents. Continued through the struggles of making friends/figuring out if dating was really worth all the trouble. Experienced some slight homesickness.

October:  Homesickness = cured. Halloween was fun. Life at college continued on, being quite good. I found out I have a love for football.

November: College was still good, and it was starting to finish up (at least the first semester).

December: My first semester of college ended. Been chilling at home like a bum ever since:)

It's been a big, crazy, change-filled year. Even though the world didn't end, it certainly shifted around quite a bit. It's been tough, but really good overall. And I've learned a lot (more than I'm prepared to sit and think about and record). So...goodbye 2012! You've been good to me and I'll miss you:) You were the year I looked forward to for, like, ever. Ya haven't been a disappointment, either.

The Life and Times of a College Kid ON BREAK!

That's right, lovely readers, it's Christmas break time. And yes, it is in fact CHRISTMAS break. Not winter. Not holiday. Not any other euphemism to stand in the place of the word "Christmas." I go to a Christian college. I'm allowed to be politically incorrect.

It's sort of ironic and appropriate that I should be typing up this post at 4 in the morning. Yep. I live a rough life. I stay up as late as I want. I sleep in as late as I want. I eat what I want (provided there's actually food in the fridge that I like) when I want. I watch as many stupid, pointless, mind-numbing TV shows as I want. I go on Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest for as long as I want. I shower. But only when I want to. I keep my room as organized (or in reality's case, as unorganized) as I want. I do what I want.

Rough life indeed.

But, you see, here's where the going gets tough: I am self-absorbed. I mean, yes, breaks are important. God provided a Sabbath day of rest in the 10 Commandments! So no one can say that rest isn't important. But when an overload of rest occurs...well...just look at that paragraph up there and see what happens. Life goes from hyper-speed to snail-paced. It also goes from macrovision to micro. And by that I mean my daily goals and actions revolve around me, myself, and I.

It's nice for the first few days. But now I'm just stuck in this disgusting cycle. Insomniac. Getting a cough. Constant headache thanks to my sleep deprivation. Yeah. Laziness starts to take it's toll pretty quickly. And I feel like the reason why I'm doing all these time-wasting, mind-sucking things is because I want to distract myself from doing anything useful with my time.

It's a complex situation that actually isn't all that hard to figure out but I don't like sitting and thinking of the two different sides and why I'm sitting on the side I'm sitting on instead of standing up and clawing my way over to the other, better, greener-grassed side. Did you follow that? I'm not so sure I did...

I also have this weird thing now where I have to, at some point in the day, do something with my hands. I've been making this HUGE 36-stringed friendship bracelet. It's much too big to be an actual bracelet, but it's certainly provided a nice amount of work. I've crafted my Christmas cards for this year (sorry if you don't get one. They were hand made and I started late so, despite all the time I've been wasting, I was still kind of pressed for time. Well...maybe not really. Either way, sorry).

My eyelids are finally starting to feel heavy. Imma sleep now. And wake up {hopefully} before noon. It's kind of pathetic when that becomes something to celebrate. Next year I think I'm gonna get a job over Christmas break. Some kind of something to better invest my time in.

An Ode to Dorm Life

The semester is almost over (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN SO FAST?!) and due to...interesting (and very frustrating) circumstances, my dorm is splitting up and being "forced" to move to another housing location. Some people are staying on campus in other dorms. Some are going to the off campus location being provided. I don't really want to get into that. But, as a farewell type post, I'm typing this as an ode to dorm life.

PROS OF DORM LIFE:

• You get to know a ton of people really fast. Like, this semester, there were 69 girls on my hall (including me). That means that out of the 12,000+ residential students there were a guaranteed 68 that I could pick out in a crowd. It gave the crazy huge campus a communal feeling. Good stuff.
• You're close to the activities on campus. Okay, so truth is, I'm only really close to one of the big events on campus, but it's like an every other day event and it's super beneficial because sometimes I don't get to take showers beforehand. SO since my dorm is so close to the building, I get to go and shower right afterward. Yay:) Plus, everything else is all within a reasonable walking distance.
• You have curfew. YES to all you haters out there (ew, I just said "haters") curfew is actually really nice. One of my roommates agrees with me that nothing good happens after 12 and there isn't even anything to do (at least not here). So it makes so much sense that we just go to bed around curfew. So much better than not sleeping...
• Student leadership. Maybe it's just my hall, but my student leadership is seriously rocking. I will miss my RAs and SLDs like crazy town. Seriously. They set the standard SO high. I get to keep two next semester, which I'm uber thankful for, but every year after this one...man. Those shoes will be hard to fill.

CONS OF DORM LIFE:

• The bathrooms. Honestly, this one is kind of entertaining. Don't get me wrong. I am super thankful for bathrooms. I am thankful that I have running water (and that it's heated) and that there are toilets and sinks and indoor plumbing. AND that I happen to live right next door to the bathroom (though sometimes the showers are loud...). But seriously. Do people rub their heads against the walls? There's always just ALL this hair! And sometimes I feel like there are small moles at the bottom of the shower. YUCK.
• Burnt popcorn. I think this is just a quirk that really only applies to the girls on my hall. For some reason, none of us know how to make popcorn. I actually find it quite humorous.
• Saying goodbye. Having my so-close-to-perfect-it's-not-even-funny dorm break up is one of the most depressing, disappointing things that have happened in a while. I'm really going to miss our little community.

So those are some of my thoughts about dorm life. Hope you were entertained.

It's gonna be okay

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Andrea. Andrea liked to blog, but she felt bad because like 98.7% of her blogs were about boys. (Or that's how she felt - probs an exaggerated percentage) She really just wanted to know what to think and how to live and just be single. God, this HUGE, crazy, awesome Creator of the Universe, was finally starting to work in this area of her life. And by "finally" I mean that Andrea was finally allowing Him to.

So here are some recent changes in my perspective...

1. Singleness is a gift. Don't waste it. I've heard this both from my friend and from a blog post I just read about an hour ago. It's the idea that my time being single is actually really precious time that I can spend getting closer to God. It's also the idea that this is the time in my life when I can establish super solid relationships with my sisters in Christ.

2. God isn't withholding this to be mean. That blog I mentioned (which I will attach at the bottom) talked about God not withholding any good thing from those who walk uprightly (Psalm 84:11). She mentioned that maybe God wasn't withholding something good, but instead, He might be withholding it because in this particular season of life, dating wouldn't be good. And this is a conclusion that I personally have come to many times. Perhaps I'm not ready. Perhaps "he" isn't ready. Perhaps neither of us are. It's just...it's a better way to view things.

3. I don't need to hang out with boys. This is something my friend has been encouraging me in doing. Or rather, in not doing. She pointed out to me that spending lots of time with boys might not be the healthiest thing for me. It might not be healthy because a) most co-ed friends are "flirt buddies," b) most boys my age aren't mature enough to guard my heart, c) if there is a guy that wants to pursue me, he might get turned off or discouraged if he sees me spending lots of time with boys. I put this whole not-spending-time-with-boys thing into action this past weekend and had a surprisingly good time. And not shockingly, it didn't wreck the sudden peace I feel about my singleness (thank you dearest prayer leader for praying about this for me:)

4. I need to change the way I view God. This was mentioned in the post I keep talking about. This was also something I've thought of before (just on my own). Well...maybe not the part about the way I view Him, but more like the fact that I need to just view HIM. Yeah. Food for thought, that's for sure.

Okay. That's all for now. I'd totes write more about this, but my brain is absolute goop because it's Finals Week, I'm experiencing end-of-the-semester burn out, and I'm uber sleep deprived.

{oops! Forgot this part. The blog I mentioned is HERE: http://www.ampersandphotoblog.com/2012/11/29/thursday-q-a-on-singleness/ }

Just Wait.

Waiting is quite possibly one of the most exhausting things a person can do. Like, for real. Whether you're standing in a line, sitting in the DMV (I'm pretty sure time literally stops whenever I go there), waiting for a stall in the bathroom, sitting on a long car ride, or just waiting outside the door of your next class, there is something so incredibly irritating about the act of waiting. It's true that not all of the examples above bother me that much. Like, I'm totally fine waiting for my next class to open up. And sometimes I don't really mind long car rides. I can even handle waiting in lines (when I voted, I read a chapter for my class - can you say "good use of time"?).

But the one thing that seems to get me every time is the one thing I feel as though I will forever be waiting for. Yep, that's right. A man. Like, a real, legit, Godly man. Not just some flirtatious little boy who likes playing with girls' emotions. Not a kid who can't make up his mind. Somebody solid.

Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high. "Expectations" is the wrong word for it. Maybe my requirements? I'm not sure what to call it. My standards? Let's go with that one. I think having high standards for the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is REALLY important, though. Like, I don't want to settle. Even if it means that maybe I'm wrong in all this, and God is somehow preparing me to just not get married.

I know women who aren't married. They get along just fine. I know one woman in particular who doesn't even seem to want to get married. I feel like I'll never stop wanting marriage, though, but it would be nice to be able to reach a point where I can say "I'm okay with just God." Only...not even just okay. More than okay. Content. At peace with. (There was another word I was going to write but now I can't remember it...)

I feel like it's impossible for me to reach this state of being. But then again, I know I like to go at things by myself. I mean, I'll talk to God, but usually it's like "I'm doing this. Are you coming too?" I feel like I probably have some pride that I'm not fully aware of... I also feel like I'm too young to be super concerned about this. And quite honestly, I'm not always concerned about it. I know I write about guys a lot, but that's partly because writing things down helps me to organize my thoughts better and to understand where I'm coming from. This blog is probably more for me than for anyone else. But to the intimate audience I do have, you should know that I appreciate you. And I read your posts. Not religiously, but you probably don't read all of mine either.

WOW RABBIT TRAIL. Now to re-board my original train of thought... This post was sparked by a song I heard for the first time today. It's by Lecrae and it's called "Wait". It's directed more towards the girl that's gone a few steps farther than me and has settled for less than God's best for her. I'm not that far along, and I hope I never will be. Even though I find waiting to be rather...dull, I'm still keeping hope alive and warming the bench. Until God says "It's him," I doubt I'll be doing much of anything besides posting and journaling and song-writing, and blah blah blah expression.

In case you feel like listening, I've included the song. Also, I'm including a link to a blog post that a friend of mine shared a while back. It's also talking about waiting, just in a bit of a different sense.

http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

Between Two Worlds

For the sake of my own entertainment (and for the sake of semi-attempting to entertain my teeny-tiny audience of 2 followers) I decided to post about the weirdness of being a college kid at home.

Last time I came home (for Fall Break - essentially a long weekend in October) I couldn't get past all the changes that had happened since August. My parents made a TON of improvements to the house (and the reason behind it is too long for me to explain, so just ask in person if you're super curious) and it was really wigging me out. Here's a list of some of the changes:
1. Our TV broke so we had this much smaller one as a temporary fix (it's my brother's), so adjusting to the smaller screen was a little weird.
2. The faucet on our bathroom sink was replaced. THIS change I liked. A lot.
3. Our couches have been covered by blankets and stuff. They were kinda annoying before...so I didn't really mind this change either.
4. [this is the one that really got me] My mother cleaned my bedroom. And then, kinda, took over it.

I was always super uptight about people in my room. See, it's a weird set up. I have a sliding glass door because my room used to be a deck. So, this means that my privacy comes from a curtain. A curtain. I'll let that sink in for a second... So, yeah, I was always like "DON'T GO IN MY ROOM!" It helped that I had a beaded curtain. It sort of became like an alarm system. I always knew when someone was intruding. And it always disturbed me inside to hear the beads when it wasn't ME making them do their little tingly sound.

So the beaded curtain was gone. My organized mess was...rearranged. And my mother informed me before I came home that she had to take out her stuff from my room. Her stuff. In my room. AND even though they took most of the stuff out, there were still some foreign objects in there when I got home. Way to make me feel like I still have a place here, parents.

This time around, it wasn't as bad. I knew what to expect from the last time I was home. I knew that going to church and not seeing a few of my friends would be a little strange (but happily they were all there this time!). I knew our TV would be smaller. I knew my room would be part-storage, part-things I apparently can live without. And I also knew it would be wise to pack some nice clothing this time, instead of just assuming I could get away with wearing the things I left at home. (I somehow forgot I only left the stuff I didn't really like).

SO things I learned through my 2 adventures home thus far:
- I currently own too much clothing. I should really get rid of some of it.
- I go a little cray cray when I have a TV with cable near by. College is good because it forces me to do OTHER, more productive things with my time.
- I should probs get a job. Don't tell my parents. They'll be all like "I told you sooo"

Yeah. That's all for now, I guess. Sorry there aren't any deep spiritual applications to this one - WAIT! I got it...

The biggest thing that living in two different places has taught me is that earth is not my permanent home, and it never, ever can be. God's got a nice place for me in Heaven, and that's the only place where I'll truly belong:)

Vanity

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while since I wrote anything. I've been busy with actually like doing homework and stuff - go figure! Anyhow...this is my latest processing session. Enjoy this post (that probably won't make any sense)

I've been getting hit pretty hard lately with ditching the idea of dating. I know I've written about this before, but it's like a big reoccurring theme right now. Hence my continual mention of it...

First there was a guy that I was hanging out with, and I was pretty sure he liked me. I kind of liked him at first, and then I just started to feel sort of weird about it. And we haven't really seen each other this past week. Tonight I saw him eating dinner with another girl so I think it's safe to say that ship has sailed.

Then, there was a conversation I had recently with a friend of mine. She was warning me to be careful with my guy interactions. Like, to make sure I wasn't flirting or acting in a way that could be perceived as flirting, for the purpose of guarding my (and his) heart. This ended up being a very thought-provoking and convicting conversation (seeing as how I'm STILL thinking about it and it happened on like Wednesday).

And now I'm finding out that yet another good guy friend of mine is dating someone that's not me. Why does this always happen?

I'm starting to question the worth of pursuing friendships with boys. I mean, I love when we can share about how God is working and when we can pray together and blah blah blah. But if it's not 100% clear that we're in a strict brother-sister relationship, things can get hairy. Whether it's me getting my heart stepped on because I got my hopes up, or me feeling like a jerk by stepping on his heart, this seems to ALWAYS happen.

I just don't really see the point in trying anymore. Like, I'd rather just develop friendships that I know will last. And I think that means I'll mostly be spending time with girls... This isn't to say that I'm completely not ever going to date or speak to a boy or whatever. It's just that I'm tired of getting hurt and expecting something that's not there and wondering if I'll be single for the rest of my life.

This is not what I should be focusing on. I should have my eyes FIXATED upon Christ and then school and my family. Things that last past today. Not just meaningless little fantasies in my head that get my heart all twisted up and end in me feeling worthless.

Apart from God, everything is meaningless. Everything is in vain. So it's kind of no wonder I'm struggling with this. And it doesn't help that I keep charging at this on my own strength. I will not win by myself. Someone else should tell me this because I really don't seem to listen to me very well...

I Think I {finally} Get It Now

I think I finally get it now. At least, a little bit more than I did before...

Tonight during an hour long worship service, we sang this song "You're Beautiful" and this one particular line got to me.

When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more, we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we'll sing "You're Beautiful"

Wedding bells were the key words that caught my attention. I'm kind of seriously obsessed with weddings. Like, I always watch wedding shows on TLC (Say Yes to the Dress & Four Weddings). It's probably unhealthy. And I absolutely ADORE hearing about engagements and big anniversaries. Something about marriage just really appeals to me...

But I think it's more than just me wanting a husband. I think it's me wanting a relationship with someone that goes that deep. One where the other person completely overlooks my faults and failures, and just loves me for who I am. The thing that got to me tonight was that the Church is compared to the Bride of Christ. This isn't to say that Jesus got married or will or anything like that, but it's about the picture of love that marriage is supposed to represent. It's a covenant relationship between a man, woman, and God. So our relationship with Christ should also be just as covenantal, but with a person, Jesus, and God. At least, that's kind of how I see it.

"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." - Genesis 2: 23-24

So here it talks about how marriage is supposed to work. You should be SO close to the other person that you are practically the same person!

I feel like I finally understand that God needs to be this close to me. Or rather, that I need to be this close to Him. We also sang a song that talked about Jesus being the only one that's able to bring us back to God. I was like "Truth!" when we sang it. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm seeking God wholeheartedly (or even halfheartedly...) and nothing changes. But nothing is changing because I am the one doing the work, not Jesus.

I finally understand that I can't keep trying to find this kind of love and security in a guy. It's just not going to happen. I don't know if I quite get why it took me this long to finally agree with God on this point. I think I was always just so afraid to say "Here God. Here are all my hopes and dreams about love. You take 'em" because I thought He'd tell me to marry some crazy or geeky or overall unattractive guy. It's probably really stupid to be afraid of that*...but I guess I just thought I would do a better job because I know what I want.

Except I'm seriously the biggest flake on the face of the planet and what I want never stays the same for very long. I mean, basic things (i.e. He has to be saved, he has to be reasonably intelligent, etc.) pretty much stay the same, but the rest is all subject to change. Like I said, Andrea = biggest flake I know.

What I'm looking for is actually God. I'm pretty sure I'm right this time. I'm pretty sure I don't know what the heck I've been doing these past how many years seeking after people who are inconsistent. All along I've had the perfect guy for me.

God's my Father, so He's gonna love and protect and guide me.
God's the King of the Universe, so I get instant princess-ship (or at least co-heirdom).
God's the most faithful, just, righteous, dependable guy ever - mostly because He's not a guy but He's GOD!
God will never leave me or forsake me.
God will ALWAYS look past my sin because I am His child and He sees me through the righteousness given to me by Jesus's death and resurrection.

I finally get that I need to just legitimately surrender EVERYTHING to Him and trust that He knows what He's doing.

*I heard somewhere recently a quote that went something like this: "If Jesus was willing to die for you, do you really think He'll have plans to hurt you?" Definitely some food for thought...

That Time of Year

For those of you who don't know, I have self-diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder. That's basically when cold weather bums you out. So I kinda have just come to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to be depressed in the winter time...or at least, that I'll be more susceptible to depression. It's not really a big deal (or at least it hasn't been...since, like, last January...when it was...so never mind).

I kind of feel like it's coming a bit early this year. And I'm not emotionally prepared for it. It's been really cold and rainy here for the past few days and I'm kind of panicking. I was already having a bit of a rough time with the whole being homesick thing, but adding gross weather to it - it's just bad news. And the only reason I'm even thinking about it being earlier this year is because I've noticed that since this past Saturday night, the simple "How are you doing?" has turned from being a greeting to a very loaded question.

Typically, I just say I'm "okay". And on especially, noteworth-ly good days, I'll say that I'm "good". Sometimes to shake it up I add some adjectives and say "pretty good" or maybe even "very good". When I'm feeling a little bit more than okay, I say "alright". I'd like to get into the practice of using a bigger variety by saying things like "swell" and "mighty fine" and "exceptional" but I'm rarely actually feeling that way...

Depending on the person, he or she will sometimes prompt my "okay" with a "Just okay?" or "Only okay?" or he or she will straight up ask me if anything is wrong. And sometimes I explain. Sometimes I'm not quite sure of the explanation myself, so I'll shrug it off. And sometimes when I know a person is only asking out of social obligation, I won't further the explanation. I'll simply just say "yep."

I don't really have a purpose for this post, other than just to say that this is where I'm at at this particular point in my life. My last blog was called "My Various Tangents" so I guess I'm sort of just used to logging on and blogging kind of purposelessly. Did you know that Spellcheck recognizes "purposelessly" as a word? I didn't expect it to... but anyway, the topic of depression brings a particular passage to mind...

Psalm 42-43 (They're two separate Psalms but they seem like a continuation of each other) The part that stands out especially is in verses 5&6 and 11 of Psalm 42, and then verse 5 in Psalm 43. They all say the following (in exactly the same wording, at least in NIV)

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

I read a thing on this one time and the author mentioned that he thought it was interesting how the Psalmist asked himself why he was upset. I think that's interesting too. Sometimes (like I mentioned above) I don't even know why I'm upset. I just feel the feelings without a real rhyme or reason. And I think that's okay sometimes, but when I get stuck in that kind of way of living, it gets really exhausting. And majorly distracting. I think sometimes it's just a literal choice to stay in my discontentedness (Spellcheck does not recognize that as a word...). But when I apply this principle of asking myself what's wrong, it kind of forces me to admit that there is either a. a legitimate reason behind my being upset or b. I'm just being silly and disobedient by refusing to be joyful.

It's kind of tough for me to remember this though...so maybe that's why I'm writing this post. To remind me. And hey, maybe it'll help you some day too.

FUN {unrelated} FACT: Spellcheck is not recognized as a word, but instead it suggests you use Spell check, spell-check, or Spellchecker, all of which are recognized as being legitimate words.

Hello Alone

Oh, to feel like the tiniest fish in an overpopulated sea. How does one define loneliness? Sometimes it’s arbitrary. Sometimes it’s just plain unavoidable. And why does one feel lonely to begin with?

Who decided to feed me these lies about being alone? Just because I don’t have a vast variety of friends, or because the “right” guys haven’t shown interest in me doesn’t mean that I’m alone. In fact, I think I’ve made a good deal of friends since first arriving here. I mean, it’s not like it used to be, but high school was different. High school was easy because I had been around the same core group of people from 2^nd grade up. You can’t help but get to know everyone in a situation like that.

College is different. College is seeing the same people maybe three times a week, if you’re lucky. College is working hard for friendships, planning when you get together with people, hoping for that chance reunion when it’s someone you don’t know how to get in contact with. College isn’t even in the same universe as high school.

But I keep having this nagging feeling that I don’t know anyone and that I don’t have anybody I can just sit and talk to. This isn’t entirely true. A few people have already proven to be extremely trustworthy confidants and have listened to me cry and have prayed with me. But again, there comes the whole “I don’t see the same exact people every day at the same time” thing. I think that’s one of the big things that messes me up. Me + Unpredictability has never = good feelings.

It doesn’t help that I barely talk to any of my friends from back home. Most of them are in the exact same place as me in that they have their own college adventures to sort through. It’s crazy town trying to make new friends and keep the old, especially when the old are all hundreds of miles away from you. And it doesn’t help that this past weekend, some blasts from my not-so-distant-past were here for a visit.

I L O V E T H O S E K I D S. Period. The end. Love. Them. And it was so super nice just to know that they were all really close by. That I could meet up with them whenever. That I could hug them, talk to them, see them face-to-face. And just as soon as they were here, they were gone. And it really, really doesn’t help that one of them happens to be a pretty close friend. It just makes the awareness of my loneliness that much greater.

So when does the whole meeting Mr. Right part happen? And when does my core group of super encouraging, hardcore Christian friends come along? And when does my homework become easier to balance with my sleeping schedule and social life? And when, oh when, do I understand exactly what God wants from me?

I’m sorry that I asked that question last. God should not be an afterthought. I’d really like it if I just put Him on the throne where He belongs and if I would stop putting myself there instead. It’s really, really not okay of me. So I guess my whole feeling bad about my relationship with God thing also doesn’t help with the loneliness part…

Civil War of the Soul

Now that I'm not at the peak of emotional craziness, I think I might actually be able to write a coherent post...

Have you ever been gripped with crippling fear while at the same time been deafened by roaring conviction? That's been my life lately.

Apparently going to a Christian school means you stand the risk of feeling convicted after your classes. Who knew? And taking a whole class on how to evangelize while never really trying it in real life? Yep. It's a recipe for conviction. Hardcore conviction.

I have this friend that keeps popping up in my head when my prof brings up people we should pray for. She's the only one I ever think of, though I know I have other unsaved friends. I feel like maybe God wants me to pay attention, because that seems to be the thing He always does when He wants me to wake up to something (ask me to tell you about the time I was "stalked" by Psalm 139). But it's kind of hard for me to know what to do with the conviction.

"Act! Just pray! Do SOMETHING!" That seems to be my instinct. But at the same time, I'm not sure that's enough. Hold on a minute there. Backpedal. Not sure that praying is enough? That's seriously cheapening the power of prayer, and ultimately the power of God. Why am I flawed? And fallen? And plain old forgetful? Sometimes (a lot of the time) I wish I could be perfect. But I know I won't ever make it there on my own strength.

But the whole "civil war" part of this post comes into play when I feel the conviction and it's almost instantly followed up by fear. Fear of not knowing what to do, not having the words to say, not ever being able to make up for the missed opportunities (and kid, you better believe there's a lot of those). I prayed with my prayer leader and both my RAs about this on Friday. One of them prayed that I would have discernment to tell between guilt and conviction. Sometimes there is a fine, fine line.

I'm not sure where I stand as far as that line is concerned, but I do know that I'm not praying enough. That was something my other RA mentioned - was I praying about/for her? "Not enough," I said, feeling somewhat embarrassed and mostly just ashamed. But then again, I'm one of those beat-myself-up-about-every-little-thing-types of people, so naturally I'm gonna say it's not enough even if by some miracle it is.

So that's my civil war right now. Flesh versus Soul. Spirit versus Sinful Nature. Andrea versus the rest of Andrea. Not super fun. It's not every day, but it's been frequent, and I'm fully expecting it to continue (I also sort of want it to).

FUN FACT: During the first week of school, I told a group of guys (because they were the ones I got stuck in a group with) that I wanted to be challenged during this school year. Challenged academically and spiritually. Yeah, learn from my mistakes. Be careful what you pray for. You might just get it.

Wanted

If you've been a fan of my blogging since I started way back in 2009 then you know that I have this mild obsession with the idea of a boyfriend. Do note that I said "idea." And if you didn't know, now you do. I, like most girls my age, am interested in males. I enjoy befriending them, conversing with them, laughing at (or with) them. Sometimes I even enjoy flirting with them...but I'm not always good at that - which is probably more of a blessing and less of a curse. But anyhow, I like boys.

It's been a little while since I've had a legitimate crush on a boy. At the summer camp I work at, we're strongly discouraged from getting "involved" with each other during the summer, so most of my attractions there become prayer requests for focus and accountability questions that my friends and/or supervisor ask me about. In other words, I don't get the chance to just sit and daydream about them. And after camp, I'm usually less interested or I feel like it just gets weird or...I don't know. Maybe it's the whole out of sight, out of mind thing.

Whatever it is, boys haven't been a super huge deal for me (at least not on a specific person kind of level) until now. I'm teetering on the edge of a very crushy crush right now. And when I have a crush, it usually backfires for me. I don't mean that to say that they dislike me or they find out and it gets awkward or anything like that. Mostly I just mean that I end up belittling myself and telling myself there's no way on earth So-and-So could ever like me. He's too cool...he's too good for me...he's friends with prettier [and overall better] girls...blah blah blah insecurities. So, yeah, for me, not having a crush is kind of a good thing. Plus I so don't need that distraction on top of EVERY OTHER ONE right now. Man, college is hard work. I have to manage my time like crazy. Uck.

Yeah, so, I have a crush on someone. Yippee skippee. But I don't really feel like getting all stupid and girly and insecure again. And I don't really feel like I NEED a boyfriend. I just kind of want one. I was thinking about it tonight and I realized that most of the time when I daydream about boys or picture me with one, it's  us holding hands and being cutesy, or hugging and being cutesy, or taking cutesy hand holding/hugging pictures and posting them on Facebook and making people gag because of how stinking adorable we are. (I didn't actually get that involved when I first realized this - I stopped after the hugging part). But to me, that's all how I define love. Like, there are those different love languages and mine is so touch. I ADORE HUGS. Granted they have to be happy, non-creeperish hugs, but still. Hugs all the way. And I feel like if I had a hand to hold, I would so hold that hand all the time. (and hopefully the hand would be attached to a person...)

So I realized that I only daydream about hugs and hand holding and that I only want a boyfriend because I want to be loved. And then I was like "I am loved." Hello Jesus Christ, Lover of my soul. It was during a worship service that I was realizing all of this so this was when they were singing "How He Loves" (the sloppy, wet kiss style - none of that pansy "unforseen" stuff. For the record, I originally learned the song with the sloppy wet kiss part and so I'm kind of sentimental about it). Anyway, I had this realization while they were singing that song. And I was like "I so am loved." Like, that song blows me out of the water because it paints this awesome, awesome picture of God's love for us.

He is jealous for me/loves like a hurricane/I am the tree/bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy/And all of a sudden/I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/and I realize just how beautiful You are/and how great Your affections are for me

I could type out the whole song, but I'll spare you. I feel like it's just so beautiful and I always really like singing it. I also thought of Romans 5...

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (v.6-8)

While we were still sinners. I thought "God loves me so much that He already bought me!" It made me think of how people order things online. You can't hold the item or do anything with it until it reaches you in the mail. But you're willing to buy it, even though you can't have it right away, because that's how much you want it. The example kind of falls short, but do you get my basic idea? God loves us so much and wants us so much that He was willing to pay for us, even though we might make Him wait. We might never say "Yeah, sure, I'll be packaged and shipped to that guy." He was willing to make a payment that could potentially be worth nothing. That would be like ordering that item and knowing there's a 50% chance you will never receive it. But you're willing to risk it all because that's how much you want it. God was willing to risk it all because that's how much He wants us.

So I don't need a boyfriend if I only want him to be a human manifestation of God's love. I'll admit, sometimes it's downright hard to believe God loves me because I don't have Him here to hug and hold hands with. But that doesn't mean He doesn't still love me, because He does. And it doesn't mean He doesn't still want me, because He does.

I just thought this was cool and I felt like sharing.

Does that make me crazy?

Have you ever done something so uncharacteristic that you know it must be God leading you to do it? That happened to me today.

I have this thing with picking up trash. Since working at camp in 2010, I've gotten to the point where I can pick out pieces of litter almost anywhere I go. And it bugs me to no end. They encourage us to pick up trash at camp because if the staff doesn't, no one will and camp will be gross. I remember after the summer of 2010, I went out with a bunch of camp people to go mini-golfing and there was trash in the parking lot. I wanted so bad to pick it up, but then I remembered it was "real world trash" and not "camp trash," so it was probably a whole lot dirtier. At least, that was my justification back then...

In 2011, I'm pretty sure I picked up trash, but I don't really remember. But this past summer, I was like hardcore convicted to pick up trash. I found myself turning around to pick it up when I passed by. I also found myself feeling serious guilt when I hardened my heart and walked right by the pieces I so clearly noticed.

Fun fact: This conviction has not stopped with camp stopping. For the past few weeks I've seen trash all over campus. And it still bugs the boogers out of me. If the trash was especially bad (like, a tampon - it was in a wrapper!...and there have now been 2 of them) then I picked it up. But almost always I passed it by. I would look right. at. it. and just keep going

Today God didn't let me do that. I was on my way across campus to get to my dorm when I spotted a comb on the ground. Someone was right behind me and I didn't feel like getting in his way. I also was like "meh, no biggie." But then I noticed a plastic bag wrapped around a pole and felt the need to pick that up. So I went back and picked up the comb because my Biblical Worldviews teacher's voice rang through my head "Sometimes I pick up trash and sometimes I don't. I have an inconsistent worldview." And then, of course, there were like 2 or 3 other pieces of trash right around there, so I picked those up to.

The whole way up the hill I was stopped by trash. At one point, I climbed up a really steep part with mulch (I'm pretty sure you're not technically supposed to walk on it) and had to stick my leg under a bush to pull out a burger box. This kid was walking by and he looked at me like I was nuts. Quite honestly, I felt nuts. I continued picking up trash, sometimes forcing myself to turn around (like the time with the second tampon. Two girls were walking towards me, so I obviously couldn't pick it up in front of them. Because clearly the opinion of two strangers matters. Do note the sarcasm here) and sometimes just accepting that there was trash and I was the one who was supposed to pick it up.

Do not be impressed. A couple girls spotted me picking up trash right in front of the dorm and complimented me. I was like NO ARG. I complained to God almost the whole time. I tried to harden my heart. For every piece I picked up, I know that I left five pieces on the ground (maybe not today, but at least in the past). And it so wasn't even about being seen. The only person that I know for sure saw me looked at me like I was insane. I'm really not sure why I felt so convicted, but I figured I'd at least pick up the trash, even if I don't usually and I whined the whole time. Hopefully God understands my complaints. Imma have to sort that out with Him tonight...

Perspective

This post is not for the faint-hearted. Or the weak-stomached.

So...I donated blood on Thursday. I did it back in February (fun fact: that time was also on a Thursday...) and everything went so smoothly. I filled the bag with plenty of time left and I didn't really even feel that weird. I had a few moments later of lightheadedness, but that seemed pretty normal. I have my mom to thank for the lack of sickness that first time. Without her coaching me to drink water like a crazy person and eat like it was my last meal, I probably would've experienced what I experienced on Thursday.

I hydrated myself. Like, hardcore, going to the bathroom possibly 10 times all day, drinking like it was my job hydrated. (That was a very long and poorly written sentence, haha) So what went wrong? Well, it was a Thursday, so my first class wasn't until two, which meant I didn't get up until like 11:45, so I didn't make it to breakfast. Open mouth, insert granola bars. Then I went to lunch at 12 and had two pieces of pizza. And at 12:30, I checked in at registration.

I sat on the bench, psyching myself up, telling myself I was gonna be fine, I was hydrated, I was golden. The whole needle-in-the-arm-bit was slightly uncomfortable. The whole time, the workers were asking if I was okay, and the whole time I was. Right until the very end when the woman was filling up the last few tubes (which I guess are used for like data collection and testing for diseases that make my blood harmful). I got a little nervous because my arm kind of hurt and the bag was full so I was ready to just be done. And then my head started to feel a little funny.

Of course I mentioned this to them. And then my vision got a little blurry and my hearing got a little weird. So they laid me back. And then I started sweating like I've never sweat before. So they put cold compresses and ice packs on me, along with a fan. And then I felt nauseous, so they propped me up a bit, gave me orange juice, and a trashcan. They had me eat a few pretzels and I threw up a bit. My stomach settled a bit after that, and suddenly I really had to go to the bathroom (that happens a lot when I'm nervous). So they told me I wasn't ready to stand yet and they got someone to push me to the bathroom on this weird wheel-chair.

Talk about being a spectacle. I wasn't entirely paying attention but I KNOW people were looking at me funny. So walking into the bathroom, the nurse held onto my arm. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and that was probably the scariest moment of the whole day. White face with white lips, messed up hair, and dark circles under my eyes. I looked dead. Then I commenced with going to the bathroom, the whole time being asked if I was okay. I didn't want to stand back up to flush but I knew I couldn't just chill there on the toilet. I flushed and got out as soon as I could, but right when the stall door swung open, my head went WHOO! and my vision was almost entirely gone. [New Perspective #1]

They wheeled me back to the main hall at super speed, and I still couldn't really see. Apparently one of the guys from my brother dorm saw me at this point. I was mildly embarrassed when he asked me if I was "on a stretcher" yesterday. I'm sure I looked lovely. Anyhow, they had me lie down for a while with the ice pack. They gave me some ginger-ale. This girl named Grace kept talking to me. She was pretty much the nicest stranger I've ever met. After about twenty minutes of just chilling there, they had me try and stand up. Oh, before that part I was eating some pretzels and this super nasty candy bar. But then I stood up and moved out into the open.

So I'm sitting in the "canteen" - essentially a table with a bunch of munchies. And they were like "Here eat this candy bar" and I was like no thanks, so then they gave me some cookies (equally nasty, sorry Keebler, you just weren't doing it for me...). And then I felt like I was gonna puke again. I told them and they gave me a trash can. Almost instantly my stomach contents were no longer in my stomach. Upon completion of the upheaval, I sat there and said "Darn!" because I really hoped I would be better.

They of course made me lie back down. And one of the nurses informed me that if I got sick again, they would probably have to call 911. It was panic time. I cried and texted a whole bunch of people, asking for prayer. My RA was one of those people, so she rushed down to see me. And then she waited with me the whole time. I drank more ginger-ale, did NOT eat, and was able to sit up and be okay. We got the campus police to drive us back to the dorm:)

And this morning I woke up with a hole in my stomach - SO hungry. [Low blood sugar = New Perspective #2] [Experiencing crazy sickness, dizziness, and realizing the very real risk that I could potentially pass out ALL day = New Perspective #3].

So if you've made it this far, please, keep reading.

#1: I don't think I've ever experienced true blindness before. It was terrifying. Not only was it scary because I couldn't see,  but I was also starting to lose my sense of hearing and half my brain felt like it was missing. It was a scary moment. But now I understand (just BARELY) what life might be like for blind people.

#2: I think I got a small taste of what diabetics go through. I've been worried about my blood sugar all day. Not fun times.

#3: I have a new appreciation for people who spend their lives going through episodes like that every day due to random illnesses. It was really scary, and I don't know how people do it. I mean, I got the full circle of treatments: breathing into a brown bag, being pushed around on a chair, having people lead me through my temporary blindness. Very alarming.

I don't know how people live through sickness. And I'm so grateful that people exist who are willing to donate blood, and that there are just as many people nearby to help those of us who don't donate wisely. Moral of the story: Eat before you give blood. (Okay, there are several morals to this story, but still...)

Oh, Those Freshman Moments

Join us now as we look into the exciting adventures of Andrea's rookie mistakes...

Okay, so I really haven't had anything super embarrassing happen yet, but there have been a few moments I found to be at least a little amusing, haha. So these are a few of my "favorite" Freshman moments. (ya know, the kind of moments that are only funny AFTER the fact).

FIRST: I had to take an online quiz for a freshman seminar class. It was required, pretty boring, and not entirely helpful, but it's not worth complaining about and it really wasn't that bad. Anyhow, the quiz was open notes (hallelujah) and there was a slideshow to go along with it that we could reference. My laptop is not equipped with Microsoft Powerpoint or Excel, so I had to go to the computer lab to take the quiz. I went there, logged on, opened up the powerpoint, and then I began my quiz. Part way into it, I realized I needed my handbook in order to take the quiz. My handbook that was back in my dorm. SO I tried to call my roommate, but she was sleeping, which meant that I then had to run ALL the way back to my dorm (did I mention I was on the third floor?) and get my book. I was also still logged on with the quiz running because it was on a timer and I couldn't pause it. I called my roommate again and she answered and very tiredly got my book. By the time I reached the door of my room, she was about to come out so I just took it from her there and rushed back. I did fine on the quiz but it was one of those really frustrating moments.

SECOND: This one's mostly funny. I was making a salad in the cafeteria and it was pretty much a do-it-yourself style salad bar. I got down to the ham and noticed that the spoon was facing the inside of the little kiosky thinger. I reached across whatever was inside the compartment in front of the ham and grabbed the spoon, then the lady standing behind the counter turned and noticed. She just looked at me, straight faced, and shook her head. Then I was like "No? Oh, I'm sorry!" because I realized what I did wrong. She took the spoon, scooped the ham onto my salad and was like "Do you want anything else?" I just said no really sheepishly and walked away. That one was pretty embarrassing, I guess.

THIRD: Today (the final inspiration I needed to actually write this post) was the most ridiculous yet. Two of my friends from my hall wanted to work out, so all three of us walked ALL THE WAY ACROSS CAMPUS (that part is important) to the student union building where all the work out equipment is. THEN as soon as we reached the parking lot, I realized I left my student ID in my dorm and they probably weren't going to let me in. I asked the lady at the counter if I could just tell her my number and she was like "Nope. Sorry. I need your pass." So I had to walk ALL THE WAY BACK ACROSS CAMPUS to my dorm to get my pass. And I didn't have my key either, so I had to bang on the door really loud first. Thankfully one of my friends has a car and kindly drove me back :)

Hopefully I'll learn from these stupid things and not make the same mistakes again. Oh, and then there was that awkward moment on my fourth day of English class when I didn't have any of my assignments done. Another "fun" moment...

Blind Me

So, I've noticed an unfortunate habit of mine that's developed within the past...three days. I go into a lecture hall, sit in some random row by myself, and watch all the people come in, wondering who will come and sit next to me. What's so bad about that? Well...I only want the pretty boys to come sit next to me.

Typical Andrea, liking boys. The whole stupid mentality that I was gonna wait until now to date is starting to show its ugly side effects. For the record, I have met boys and held legitimate conversations with them. Just...not the ones I really want to talk to. And there haven't been any of the stop-me-in-my-tracks gorgeous ones dropping from the sky and confessing their undying...attraction to me. (It's too early to call it love - it's also probably too early for any of them to even like me, haha).

Okay cool. Now what's up with that title? Well, you see, while I was in a rather odd class yesterday, I sat by myself (because I knew like no one) and did the whole watching/waiting/wondering thing about my seat buddies. And a guy came in who I wasn't attracted to at all. He was more of the type that would turn me off, actually. And I heard the thought run through my mind: I really hope he doesn't sit next to me.

WHO AM I TO THINK THAT?! That guy is created in the same image that I'm created in. He's loved and cherished and desired by God. He has an eternal soul and a purpose and significance and there I am, not wanting him to sit next to me because I don't think he's cute. Needless to say, I'm feeling some serious conviction right now. So somewhere between that and the whole wanting really badly to hang out with a cute guy who thinks I'm pretty, I decided I need to start praying for blindness.

And then after some more thought, I feel like perhaps praying for open eyes is better. Eyes that are open to how God views His children. What's crazy is that a fair amount of the people here are not only His creation, but also His followers, which makes them my family. And this knowledge only deepens my conviction...

So, I don't really know where all I was going with this, but I felt like it was blog post worthy. Got any Scripture to back this up? You should let me know :)

A New Embarking

I've heard that college is supposed to be the best four years of your life. Of course, they said that about high school too and that was a lie. But so far, college has some serious potential for that to be true. I've only been here since Tuesday, but I've enjoyed most of it.

Though it's true that these haven't been "the best four days" of my life, they've been pretty good ones. And believe it or not, I've already learned some important things (classes haven't even started yet - hah!). So here's a list of what I've been taught:

1. Don't over pack. When you look at an item and think "I might need this," you probably don't and you're better off leaving it at home. God decided to bless me with some seriously gracious roommates because they've given me a lot of space to spread out all my junk. But unloading my parents' car after I first got on campus was a little embarrassing. Fun first impressions :P

2. Don't be afraid to be that awkward third wheel because you'll probably regret skipping social events. I went to this bash thinger one of the first nights and it was super overwhelming. Imagine stuffing a couple hundred kids into a room with some board games, video games, loud music, popcorn, mini golf, and a mini race track and tell them to make friends. Some are good at it, some not so much. But, again, my roomies came to the rescue and helped with the whole meeting new people thing.

3. Don't expect to meet your future husband in, like, four days. Mostly this is just kind of a funny thing. I wasn't actually expecting this to happen - hoping, dreaming, and wishing sure, but by no means expecting. I think I could probably count on one hand the amount of guys I've said more than three words to. But my new mantra is "Give it time." I think I'll make more friends (of the opposite gender variety) once classes start up and I get to see the same people every day.

4. I think this list needs a "do." Do make time for God. I haven't been the absolute best at this because my whole world just got all flipped around, but I'm trying to make time for Him every day. It's kind of bothering me that I'm putzing around on Facebook and skipping off to all these seminars and orientation thingies where we pray and talk about how important God is and then what am I doing? Well, I'm more concerned about making friends and talking to boys than to God. Dumb. Again, though, I think this will get easier once I know my routine.

5. Sleep. Do it. Oh, and don't skip breakfast. Know that whole saying about it being the most important meal of the day and blah blah blah? Yeah, I always blew that off too. But it might actually have some truth to it. Just sayin'.

So this is my new blog. I decided it should be a new one 'cause I'm in a new phase of life and, well, everything else has changed so why shouldn't this too? Except, just kidding, God hasn't changed. Praise Him for that because I'd for sure fall apart if He did ever change.