That was real expression of fear. I tried to make it sound sort of humorous, but I wasn't actually feeling all that funny when I wrote it. I've since turned 20 because you can't stop aging and I'm pretty much at peace with it. But that's about the only thing I'm at peace with.
Okay, exaggeration. There's plenty I'm not worried about. But there's this overwhelming fear that will occasionally creep up on me. It happened today. I was sitting in English, taking notes, and all of a sudden, I felt ill and scared and found a small voice in the back of my head asking myself what I'd do if I had to live alone after college. Would I stay with my parents? Would if I move out after getting married? What I don't ever actually get engaged? And what if I never find a boyfriend? Will I strike out on my own?
I remember sitting there and wondering why I started worrying about that so suddenly. And I don't honestly know. But I'm digressing from the main thing I wanted to talk about...
Through the anxiety, God's been whispering truths to me. I say "whispering" because I'm not actually close enough to Him right now to hear if it's actually something louder than that. Or maybe He's not close enough to me? I don't really know. I've been in this weird season of sort-of-silence. I don't fully understand what's going on. But the truth He's been telling me: His Holy Spirit is powerful and it's the Spirit that's dwelling inside of me.
Check it out:
"However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you." - Romans 8:9-11 (NASB).
Basically, GOD PUT THE SPIRIT THAT RAISED JESUS INSIDE OF US. Excuse my capitalization, but that is unbelievably cool. So if this is the Spirit that's living in me, what the heck am I so afraid of?
I can't fully answer that question at this point in time. But I can choose to dwell on the power of that Spirit, the power of my God. Rather than allowing myself to grasp onto that fear with white knuckles, I can let it go and hold onto God instead. At the end of the day, He's all I've got. So maybe this fear is partly God creating a need for Him in my life. And maybe it's more. Maybe it's less.
I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. Or if He ever decides to let me in on the plan...
*And then there's this super cool song that kind of describes what I need to do. What a lot of us need to do, actually...
