His plan > my plan

Pretty sure I've written about this topic before but I'm going to do it again because this is my "life and times" blog and this is my life and these are my times so...yeah.

This whole academic year has had the overarching theme of trusting God. Of battling the anxiety monster that sits in the dark corner of my head, whispers - sometimes screams - lies, and perpetuates an overwhelming sense of fear and dread. Of letting go of all that I've held near and dear for too long. Having said that, it should come as no surprise that God has once again allowed a difficult situation to occur in order teach me some very important lessons. Too bad I was a little surprised.

I had a plan for how next year was going to look for me. Turns out that my plan and God's plan did not match. And God, being God, had the final say. And it hurt. It always seems to hurt when you have to let go of something that you've held onto for so long that it almost starts to feel like a part of you. And I'm still feeling a bit of the sting, though the initial shock and awe has worn off.

But tonight...tonight I was struck by something that I've always known in my head, but never really believed in my heart. It was something I shared yesterday during a testimony time on my dorm. It was something I've experienced before, only this time felt greater and possibly slightly more impactful.

God is not going to leave me. He is not going to give me bad things. He is not going to wish harm on me, to sentence me to lifelong loneliness, to ignore my pain, my fears, my doubts, my concerns. He is my Father and I am His child, and He is going to look out for me. He's going to stand up for me, to strengthen me, to PROVIDE for me. He is going to allow me to deal with consequences of my actions, but He's not going to make me do it alone. He's going to let me feel hurt sometimes, and then He's going to send encouragement and love. No matter where I go, who I turn out to be, what I end up doing. He. Will. Never. Stop. Loving. Me.

Why? Because it is who He is. It's His nature, His character. I'd almost go so far as to say that He cannot help but love me and plan great things for me.

Romans 8 talks about how NOTHING can separate us from God and that through Him, we are MORE than conquerors. Verse 28 mentions that God will work EVERYTHING for good. Last night I read the story of Tamar and Judah.

Slight rabbit trail time! Tamar married Judah's oldest son, who died. Then, she married Judah's middle son, who got all bitter about having no heirs of his own because all of his children would be considered his older brother's, and he didn't do right by his brother, so he also died. Judah promised Tamar his third son when said son came of age. Judah never fulfilled that promise. Tamar found out a while later that Judah's wife passed away. SO, she dressed up as a prostitute, tricked Judah into spending the night with her, and wound up getting pregnant. BUT she got a few of Judah's personal items from him as compensation for her...company(?). Judah couldn't pay back who he thought was the "temple prostitute," because no such woman existed. When Judah found out Tamar was pregnant he was appalled. Then she showed him that HE was the one responsible for the child.

That's just a whole big mess of sin right there. Had the first son followed God, he probably wouldn't have died. Had the second son fulfilled his familial responsibilities, he almost definitely wouldn't have died. Had Judah not gone back on his promise to Tamar, he wouldn't have gotten her pregnant. And had Tamar not planned to trick Judah, the entire line of Jesus would be messed up. Wait...what? Not where you thought I was going there, huh?

This story in no way encourages sinning. BUT it shows that God has a greater plan, and that He can carry it out whether people are being obedient or not.

If God can take something as messed up as sleeping with your father-in-law and somehow get something as beautiful as the Savior of the world out of it, He can most certainly do AMAZING things with someone like me.

He can do amazing things with someone like you, too. So take heart. And tell me to do the same. Because no matter what, if we've got God, He's got us - no question there.

His plan > my plan.

To bring GOD glory

What up blog people? I apologize for how bad I've become at updating this. I promise to not make promises for how often I'll post on here. Cool? Cool. Moving on...

This semester has been better than last semester. The whole dry spell, silent time with God thing sort of stopped. I've been able to find more joy, which is great. And God's really been teaching me some important things.

Like how my identity needs to be rooted in HIM.

Back story time! I taught a lesson over the summer that I called "Identity Crisis" in my notes. I opened it up by giving a personal testimony (only I used someone else's name) and then went through a few of the different lies I believed and combated them with Scripture. Then, at the end of the talk, I confessed that the story was actually about me (and some of the girls actually gasped, which I was kind of surprised by). At the very, very end I just kind of went off and started saying all this really awesome stuff about the Gospel and it was kind of like a literal God-speaking-through-me moment. Super awesome. Anyhow, it ended up having a way greater impact than I'd expected, but that just goes to show that it was God and I was just His vessel. I'm good with that.

Ever since this, the idea of "identity" has kind of stuck with me. I've talked to a few people about identity and their struggles with it and my struggles with it. And I've recently been getting hit in the face with just HOW important it is to have a solid view of myself. But more importantly, a solid view of Christ.

A few weeks before spring break, I heard this kind of life-altering sermon about how Christians are dead to sin and alive in Christ. This is an elementary doctrine. But for the first time in my 20 years of living, I really actually grasped what that meant. Being DEAD TO SIN means that we no longer have to live under it. It's not a matter of "Oh, I have to die to myself" because the self is technically already dead. It's more a matter of noticing that the prison door is wide open and the chains are on the ground by our feet, and we're the ones CHOOSING to stand in the cell and shake the bars. We are 100% free to let go of the bars and leave the prison.

I'm also currently going through a series of interviews that will determine whether or not I get a different student leadership position next year. One of the girls I interviewed with just kept pointing things back to Christ. That's not to say all the others haven't, but just something about the way she talked about things really gave me a different perspective. She said it wasn't like they were picking me but it was like they were trying to put together the best leadership team to bring God glory.

To bring GOD glory.

So basically God's kind of been showing me that I really need to look to Him. I really need to learn about Him. I really need to focus on Him. Everything else will fall into place when my relationship with Him is right. All the little pieces of me will make sense. The good parts of my personality are a reflection of Christ in me. They're not me. And the bad parts? They're on the list of refinement areas, and they won't stay with me forever. It's like the more I know Him, the more I'm like Him, the more me I become. The more comfortable I am with Andrea.

The girl also talked about how we're all like pottery. We're only beautiful because God made us that way. We didn't do anything to make ourselves. HE did it. So the goodness is a reflection of the Creator.

Typing it out like this kind of makes me see that I should probably already know this. But it's okay that I didn't before because I'm learning it now. And it's definitely a really huge, important lesson. So I thought I'd share it. I hope this makes sense...

Social Media Brain

In a group discussion I had during one of my leadership-y classes, we discussed the answer to a question something along the lines of "What do you do personally that helps foster your relationship with God?" One of the guys shared how he read a LOT for, like, hours. He said he didn't just read the Bible, either, but that he just read. He said it helped him focus and that he didn't have a "social media brain" that just hopped around every few minutes. This conversation took place in January and I still think about it. The whole "social media brain" thing really resonated with me.

I was stirred to action and took the entire month of February (minus the first two days) off from Facebook. It was tough. But it was awesome. I did notice a slight upturn in my usage of other social media sites (i.e. Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube) BUT I have to say that the content on all of those (okay, maybe not Twitter) was much better than all the information I was consuming* from Facebook. So it helped.

Also, February = Valentine's Day and Andrea = Single soo...yeah. The math there seems pretty obvious to me and I don't even like math.

It was good. And now that I'm back to using Facebook, I'm kind of not sure I like it. I was hoping I'd be totally appalled and want nothing to do with it, but I'm finding myself rather quickly slipping back into the old habits of looking too long at the tiny details of other people's lives (and spending an inordinate amount of time looking at the details of my own). My narcissism and busy-body tendencies are being fed all too well. I'm not sure if I'm about that life anymore.

I'm torn because Facebook and the like are great tools for connecting with people. It's easy for me to stay in touch with my friends and family that are 6+ hours away from me. It's easy to see what events are going on on my hall/around campus. It's easy to keep up with conversations my peers are having about the latest trends or bits of news.

And then the problem arises when the aforementioned narcissism/nosiness comes into play.

I guess this post isn't really going to address much of a solution so much as just describe the problem. A part of me wants to go up to that guy and talk to him about how he avoids the "social media brain" issue. But then I wonder if it's been too long since that conversation happened and if he'll think I'm some weirdo for remembering the tiny details of what he said. Another part of me wants to just scrap it all and delete all my accounts. And then the stupid part of me is like "DON'T YOU DARE DELETE ANYTHING! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!"

But it isn't my life. If my 20-some days away showed me anything, they showed me that I don't need the internet to survive. That I don't need to be in constant contact with most of the people I know (and some people I don't really know) to feel fulfilled. That I don't need to waste my time focusing on the bits and pieces of the lives of OTHER people.

Yeah. Social media is a definite blessing/curse thing. I guess some balance is required. I'll be sure to let you know if said balance is ever achieved.

*consuming information is the type of terminology that communications-minded people use. I've always found it slightly disturbing that we're referred to as "consuming" it. If you are what you eat, does that mean you're also what you mentally "consume"?