In fact, this whole post is basically going to be devoted to what I have been experiencing with my relationship with God: a whole lot of nothing. That sounds really bad, right? It doesn't feel so great either. I expected this year to be just as spiritually challenging and awesome as last year, but so far it feels like a flop. I know that God uses different trials at different times to teach us different things, but sometimes I'm just like "Really? Can we maybe skip this part?"
Last year, my Old Testament prof was talking about how at one point in Abraham's life, God didn't talk to him for more than 10 years. It was 13, by my count, and it's possible that God did talk to him and the Bible just doesn't record it. But it seems possible that God didn't say anything during that time. THAT IS A LONG TIME. I've been in this state since around August and it feels kind of like forever. I can't imagine going for longer than this.
For clarification's sake, there have been moments, though very brief and fleeting, where God seems to be communicating with me in the ways that He always had. But it hasn't been anywhere near as often. Or anywhere near as impacting. It's like I somehow stumbled down a mountain I didn't know I was on and now I'm stuck in an endless valley.
If I can be so bold as to state some beliefs I have about what is going on, I'd like to say that I think God is teaching me faithfulness. I think He's creating a need for Him in my life. I think He's waking me up to the fact that I need to seek Him sometimes too.
Now is the time when it would be easy to walk away. Now is the time when I could harden my heart to all the things that God wants me to be sensitive to and say "Peace out! I do what I want!" or something like that. Now is the time when sin is knocking at my door, and I've been waiting around for so long that the offer is starting to sound good.
But at the same time, it doesn't sound good at all. I can still sense the lies. There's still only rotten food under that honey coating. And God is still answering my prayers.
Granted, He's not answering some of the ones I'd really like Him to answer (or if He is, it's in a way that I can't see) but I know He's still at work. I know He still loves me and that He still wants to use me. If He didn't, I can promise you after what I've been through these past few months (especially emotionally), I probably wouldn't still be around here. I'd either be back home or in a hospital. Or maybe a mental facility. Only, that all sounds really dramatic. And I have God to thank for that. He's keeping me going.
I am a wayward child. He is a relentless, loving father who refuses to let me out of His sight. And it is a GOOD thing.
(That doesn't make the fear that He maybe secretly stopped watching a while ago any less scary, though. When the anxiety hits, it hits hard.)
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