Tonight we had a worship night on my hall. It started at nine o'clock. What did I do? Fell asleep at 8:40 and didn't wake up for an hour. By the time I got there, there was only one song left to sing and I could barely pluck up the courage to sing it. Some people prayed and by the end, I just felt like crawling into a big hole of remorse and misery.
Clearly I'm tired, so excuse my dramatic writing. I really did almost cry twice, though, and I still might.
I decided I'd best read my Bible and write in prayer journal right away, just in case. I didn't want to let God down twice tonight with my apparent need for sleep. At the end of the prayer, I asked God to teach me how to handle my failures. Sometimes when I'm convicted or just feeling guilty, it's really hard for me not to just sit and whine to God about how He shouldn't love me. About how disappointed He should feel. About how much love He shouldn't have for me, because I don't deserve it, I never will, I never could, etc. Woe is me. Pity party in prayer form.
Okay, but for real. What is the correct response when I screw up and know it? Repentance. I can handle saying sorry. I'm super good at saying sorry. Asking for forgiveness. That part is where it starts to get a little tricky. All my old habits of self-loathing would prefer to keep me in a state of continual apology. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've never been so sorry in all my life. Sorry." Gee. Cool. But seriously. Maybe I'm not supposed to be SO sorry.
And what comes after asking for forgiveness? Knowing that I'm forgiven and free. God has taken my sin and cast it as far as the east is from the west (so basically, an eternity away from me). Why do I go on feeling guilty and beating myself up? Why do I turn everything around and focus it on me? I'll let you know when God tells me the answers to this...
Until then, here's my rambling blog post on the beginning of the journey of learning how to deal with my own failures.
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