Questions, questions

Since graduating high school and entering the "real world" I've seen people change in ways I didn't originally expect. An unfortunate side effect of growing up in a smaller public school and sort of sheltering myself is that I became naive to the realities of life. I understood as a fact that people - people I knew and cared about - would make decisions that I would fundamentally disagree with. I just had no experience with that actually happening. But in these past 2 years, I've watched friends and acquaintances do and say things I would never have seen coming.

This is kind of a recurring trend right now. In a way, it's good because it reminds me that no one is perfect and that brokenness is everywhere. I don't want to rabbit trail too much from my original purpose of writing this post, but I do want to say that these decisions that other people are making are causing me to stop and think about whether or not I should respond, and if so, how. My knee-jerk reaction is to always think "I will love people no matter what" but that's actually a lot harder in practice than it is in theory. And as much as I want to show love to these friends of mine, I don't know how. I also don't feel like I'm in a position to offer any sort of help (apart from prayer, which shouldn't be discredited, but also sometimes feels a little too passive for my taste).

ANYHOW, some of the recent conversations I've had and posts I've read have been centering on the idea of truth seeking. Is it okay for someone who's grown up in the church to question whether or not he/she actually believes what he/she has been taught? Is the potential judgment of others worth not opening up about doubts? Do the doubts and questions mean everything he/she had thought or done is actually a lie?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the answers are as follows: Yes, it is okay to question your faith. No, the potential judgment should not stop you. And no, the doubting and questioning certain parts of your faith doesn't make everything you've learned completely false. It might be worth re-examining, but don't trash it right away.

^ That is all opinion-based. I'm not citing any Scripture and I'm not claiming to have any kind of magical authority to declare those answers as absolutely correct. I'm just speculating and I feel like I'm not too far off from the truth.

With that in mind, I'd like to point out the sheer size and tenacity of the God under scrutiny. I've grown up in an evangelical Christian circle so it was easy for me to swallow big truths at a young age without really questioning or understanding them. It wasn't until I was older and facing actual trials that I had moments when I thought "Is this really something I want to pursue? Is this really something I believe?" I still have those moments sometimes, by the way, but I'm committed and, overall, convinced. Anyhow, someone once told me that it was okay to examine the Bible because the Bible could hold up under it.

I think the same might be true of God. Whether someone fully believes it or not, God already knew he/she was going to have questions, so there should be no fear to ask the questions. That doesn't permit irreverent behavior or thoughtless blaming, but it should help open up the door to examine things.

Something else to keep in mind while questioning anything, not just God, is to make sure good sources are being consulted. Google is questionable (no pun intended) because it tends to inspire microwaved, grab-and-go answers. Asking trusted, wise, experienced people can help. Reading the Bible (if that's what you're questioning) is good, along with maybe some commentaries or different translations. Don't just go off of what you hear around or feel.

And that last sentence brings me to my other warning: Beware of your feelings. As a young female, I'd like to think I have a great deal of experience in just how fickle feelings can be. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've felt one way, and then five seconds later, felt something completely different. Feelings are not fact. They're way too arbitrary and unpredictable for that. A friend of mine once described feelings as the colors within the lines, but not the actual lines themselves. It's hard to view controversial issues, especially ones like religion or God, through unbiased lenses, but you won't find the truth until you do. And you certainly won't find it if you're looking only through the lens of your wishy-washy, change-on-the-daily feelings.

I hope this all makes sense. This is just sort of me working out what I would tell these people I'm thinking about while writing this, and sort of hoping they'll stumble upon it. Talk about passivity...

Don't Blink.

And just like that, my sophomore year of college is *technically* complete. I say "technically" because I still have to pack up some stuff, clean, check out, and actually MOVE off my hall. But I'm done with all of my exams, so my classes are finished, which basically means I'm officially a junior. (I've been a junior by credit this whole past semester, but that only really mattered for a few paperwork-y things, so I never really thought of myself that way).

Like, okay. I know for a fact that these are the best years of my life. No one has to tell me. Still, there is this perpetuated idea of "Enjoy it while you got it. It'll be over before you know it." And oh, how I know it. Each year is one step closer to graduation, which means I'm one step closer to STILL having absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my life. One step closer to having to find a job. To having to pay back loans. To having to potentially move out and live on my own. ::shudders:: No thanks.

Time is such a funny thing. The older you get, the faster it goes. And even though I feel like I just moved in to my dorm yesterday, I also feel like the beginning of the year was 9 months ago and like a LOT has happened between now and then. Because it has been 9 months and a lot has happened. But still. Time is weird.

Yesterday I heard that two of the freshman on my hall were checking out. I sighed wistfully and told my RAs I remembered the day we moved them in. It's just...ugh.

I'd love to write a million profound things about the end of this year and everything I've learned and all the ways God's grown me. But, how do you convey a feeling in words? Like, successfully? I have a theory that literally just formed in my mind: Since I'm officially pursuing a career in an artistic field, I've thus lost my ability to communicate through the written word and now I must revert back to visual communication through things like paintings and drawings and graphics. That's probably totally false, because writing will always have a special place in my heart. But I kind of do feel like I could better convey this feeling I'm experiencing right now through art. Or maybe music.

I don't know. The point of this post is kind of just to say that time is weird and my sophomore year ended. And if you're living your life too, here's my advice: Don't blink.

His plan > my plan

Pretty sure I've written about this topic before but I'm going to do it again because this is my "life and times" blog and this is my life and these are my times so...yeah.

This whole academic year has had the overarching theme of trusting God. Of battling the anxiety monster that sits in the dark corner of my head, whispers - sometimes screams - lies, and perpetuates an overwhelming sense of fear and dread. Of letting go of all that I've held near and dear for too long. Having said that, it should come as no surprise that God has once again allowed a difficult situation to occur in order teach me some very important lessons. Too bad I was a little surprised.

I had a plan for how next year was going to look for me. Turns out that my plan and God's plan did not match. And God, being God, had the final say. And it hurt. It always seems to hurt when you have to let go of something that you've held onto for so long that it almost starts to feel like a part of you. And I'm still feeling a bit of the sting, though the initial shock and awe has worn off.

But tonight...tonight I was struck by something that I've always known in my head, but never really believed in my heart. It was something I shared yesterday during a testimony time on my dorm. It was something I've experienced before, only this time felt greater and possibly slightly more impactful.

God is not going to leave me. He is not going to give me bad things. He is not going to wish harm on me, to sentence me to lifelong loneliness, to ignore my pain, my fears, my doubts, my concerns. He is my Father and I am His child, and He is going to look out for me. He's going to stand up for me, to strengthen me, to PROVIDE for me. He is going to allow me to deal with consequences of my actions, but He's not going to make me do it alone. He's going to let me feel hurt sometimes, and then He's going to send encouragement and love. No matter where I go, who I turn out to be, what I end up doing. He. Will. Never. Stop. Loving. Me.

Why? Because it is who He is. It's His nature, His character. I'd almost go so far as to say that He cannot help but love me and plan great things for me.

Romans 8 talks about how NOTHING can separate us from God and that through Him, we are MORE than conquerors. Verse 28 mentions that God will work EVERYTHING for good. Last night I read the story of Tamar and Judah.

Slight rabbit trail time! Tamar married Judah's oldest son, who died. Then, she married Judah's middle son, who got all bitter about having no heirs of his own because all of his children would be considered his older brother's, and he didn't do right by his brother, so he also died. Judah promised Tamar his third son when said son came of age. Judah never fulfilled that promise. Tamar found out a while later that Judah's wife passed away. SO, she dressed up as a prostitute, tricked Judah into spending the night with her, and wound up getting pregnant. BUT she got a few of Judah's personal items from him as compensation for her...company(?). Judah couldn't pay back who he thought was the "temple prostitute," because no such woman existed. When Judah found out Tamar was pregnant he was appalled. Then she showed him that HE was the one responsible for the child.

That's just a whole big mess of sin right there. Had the first son followed God, he probably wouldn't have died. Had the second son fulfilled his familial responsibilities, he almost definitely wouldn't have died. Had Judah not gone back on his promise to Tamar, he wouldn't have gotten her pregnant. And had Tamar not planned to trick Judah, the entire line of Jesus would be messed up. Wait...what? Not where you thought I was going there, huh?

This story in no way encourages sinning. BUT it shows that God has a greater plan, and that He can carry it out whether people are being obedient or not.

If God can take something as messed up as sleeping with your father-in-law and somehow get something as beautiful as the Savior of the world out of it, He can most certainly do AMAZING things with someone like me.

He can do amazing things with someone like you, too. So take heart. And tell me to do the same. Because no matter what, if we've got God, He's got us - no question there.

His plan > my plan.

To bring GOD glory

What up blog people? I apologize for how bad I've become at updating this. I promise to not make promises for how often I'll post on here. Cool? Cool. Moving on...

This semester has been better than last semester. The whole dry spell, silent time with God thing sort of stopped. I've been able to find more joy, which is great. And God's really been teaching me some important things.

Like how my identity needs to be rooted in HIM.

Back story time! I taught a lesson over the summer that I called "Identity Crisis" in my notes. I opened it up by giving a personal testimony (only I used someone else's name) and then went through a few of the different lies I believed and combated them with Scripture. Then, at the end of the talk, I confessed that the story was actually about me (and some of the girls actually gasped, which I was kind of surprised by). At the very, very end I just kind of went off and started saying all this really awesome stuff about the Gospel and it was kind of like a literal God-speaking-through-me moment. Super awesome. Anyhow, it ended up having a way greater impact than I'd expected, but that just goes to show that it was God and I was just His vessel. I'm good with that.

Ever since this, the idea of "identity" has kind of stuck with me. I've talked to a few people about identity and their struggles with it and my struggles with it. And I've recently been getting hit in the face with just HOW important it is to have a solid view of myself. But more importantly, a solid view of Christ.

A few weeks before spring break, I heard this kind of life-altering sermon about how Christians are dead to sin and alive in Christ. This is an elementary doctrine. But for the first time in my 20 years of living, I really actually grasped what that meant. Being DEAD TO SIN means that we no longer have to live under it. It's not a matter of "Oh, I have to die to myself" because the self is technically already dead. It's more a matter of noticing that the prison door is wide open and the chains are on the ground by our feet, and we're the ones CHOOSING to stand in the cell and shake the bars. We are 100% free to let go of the bars and leave the prison.

I'm also currently going through a series of interviews that will determine whether or not I get a different student leadership position next year. One of the girls I interviewed with just kept pointing things back to Christ. That's not to say all the others haven't, but just something about the way she talked about things really gave me a different perspective. She said it wasn't like they were picking me but it was like they were trying to put together the best leadership team to bring God glory.

To bring GOD glory.

So basically God's kind of been showing me that I really need to look to Him. I really need to learn about Him. I really need to focus on Him. Everything else will fall into place when my relationship with Him is right. All the little pieces of me will make sense. The good parts of my personality are a reflection of Christ in me. They're not me. And the bad parts? They're on the list of refinement areas, and they won't stay with me forever. It's like the more I know Him, the more I'm like Him, the more me I become. The more comfortable I am with Andrea.

The girl also talked about how we're all like pottery. We're only beautiful because God made us that way. We didn't do anything to make ourselves. HE did it. So the goodness is a reflection of the Creator.

Typing it out like this kind of makes me see that I should probably already know this. But it's okay that I didn't before because I'm learning it now. And it's definitely a really huge, important lesson. So I thought I'd share it. I hope this makes sense...

Social Media Brain

In a group discussion I had during one of my leadership-y classes, we discussed the answer to a question something along the lines of "What do you do personally that helps foster your relationship with God?" One of the guys shared how he read a LOT for, like, hours. He said he didn't just read the Bible, either, but that he just read. He said it helped him focus and that he didn't have a "social media brain" that just hopped around every few minutes. This conversation took place in January and I still think about it. The whole "social media brain" thing really resonated with me.

I was stirred to action and took the entire month of February (minus the first two days) off from Facebook. It was tough. But it was awesome. I did notice a slight upturn in my usage of other social media sites (i.e. Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube) BUT I have to say that the content on all of those (okay, maybe not Twitter) was much better than all the information I was consuming* from Facebook. So it helped.

Also, February = Valentine's Day and Andrea = Single soo...yeah. The math there seems pretty obvious to me and I don't even like math.

It was good. And now that I'm back to using Facebook, I'm kind of not sure I like it. I was hoping I'd be totally appalled and want nothing to do with it, but I'm finding myself rather quickly slipping back into the old habits of looking too long at the tiny details of other people's lives (and spending an inordinate amount of time looking at the details of my own). My narcissism and busy-body tendencies are being fed all too well. I'm not sure if I'm about that life anymore.

I'm torn because Facebook and the like are great tools for connecting with people. It's easy for me to stay in touch with my friends and family that are 6+ hours away from me. It's easy to see what events are going on on my hall/around campus. It's easy to keep up with conversations my peers are having about the latest trends or bits of news.

And then the problem arises when the aforementioned narcissism/nosiness comes into play.

I guess this post isn't really going to address much of a solution so much as just describe the problem. A part of me wants to go up to that guy and talk to him about how he avoids the "social media brain" issue. But then I wonder if it's been too long since that conversation happened and if he'll think I'm some weirdo for remembering the tiny details of what he said. Another part of me wants to just scrap it all and delete all my accounts. And then the stupid part of me is like "DON'T YOU DARE DELETE ANYTHING! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!"

But it isn't my life. If my 20-some days away showed me anything, they showed me that I don't need the internet to survive. That I don't need to be in constant contact with most of the people I know (and some people I don't really know) to feel fulfilled. That I don't need to waste my time focusing on the bits and pieces of the lives of OTHER people.

Yeah. Social media is a definite blessing/curse thing. I guess some balance is required. I'll be sure to let you know if said balance is ever achieved.

*consuming information is the type of terminology that communications-minded people use. I've always found it slightly disturbing that we're referred to as "consuming" it. If you are what you eat, does that mean you're also what you mentally "consume"?

Control Freak

Ever since I started college, I've felt like God has been preparing me for something. Something big. Something important. Something eternally significant. And when I'm not busy telling myself how crazy that sounds or ignoring it or burying it under all of the "Oh, please, you're going into graphic design. What can you really contribute to the world?"s, I start to think that maybe it's a valid feeling.

Want to know my plan for my life? It's a pretty good plan, I think. See, I always planned on going to college. Check. I promised myself throughout all of high school that I'd meet Mr. Right in college, and we'd fall in love, and we'd get married. After I joined Pinterest, visions of what type of decorations and wedding dress I'd wear came to mind. So, that's planned, too, but in more of a nebulous, "he"-can-contribute-if-he-wants-to way. After college/marriage? Yeah, we're paying off any student loans we might have. We're having three children. Three. Possibly two boys and one girl. To be honest, though, I don't really care about the gender. We're probably adopting at least one of them. My 20 year old, giving-labor-freaks-the-daylights-out-of-me brain says that we're adopting ALL of them, but I think that I could probably be persuaded otherwise with a steady guy by my side.

Our house? It's gonna be awesome. One of those comfy, two-story, cookie-cutter style houses nestled safely in some nameless, random suburb that looks like all the rest of the suburbs in America. I'm open to living in basically any state. The warmer, the better, but there's always central heating. We're staying in America, though. We are. My job? Well, I thought I would be an English teacher. Then I thought I would be in advertising. Now, I don't really know what I'm doing, but it's going to be cool and probably involve a Mac computer of some sort. My husband's job? I don't really care, so long as he has one. Assuming I meet him here, and I am assuming that, then it'll probably be a pretty decent job. Unless it's missions... I'm not a global person. I'm just not.

Sounds good, right? The American dream. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Too bad I forgot to consult with God about all of this.

See, when I was but a wee lass, I decided to hand my life back over to the God who gave it to me in the first place. And I didn't really know it at the time, but that meant that I'd eventually have to hand over EVERYTHING else too. And when I say everything, I mean everything. My major. My future career. My dream house. My "pinspired" ideas. My pre-conceived Prince Charming (along with the idea that there even will be a Prince, let alone a charming one). My comfort, my security, my hopes and dreams and desires. My control. Or whatever sense of that I might've had.

It's all becoming more and more apparent to me that maybe, just maybe, I didn't choose this particular Christian school for the fancy things it had to offer. Maybe God placed me here. And maybe His plan was never really aligned with mine. Let's be real. He's God. He knew this was going to happen the whole time. And there's a part of me that thinks He didn't tell me all this stuff BOOM! right away because He knew it'd freak me out more than it already is.

All of this is to say that I feel like I'm being called to something much bigger than what I would've chosen for myself. Whether that means saying yes to a missions trip or just letting go of the idea that I'll live the way I always thought I would is beyond me. But I know, in my heart of hearts, that God has not called me to mediocrity (not that my imagined future is mediocre...just, more that it's kind of selfish and silly). I know that God wants me to step out of this proverbial boat and walk on the untamed, unpredictable ocean.

I also know that I'm terrified. But one day, some day - possibly sooner than I thought - I will lose my need for control. I'll become a bona fide Jesus Freak, an all-in, no holds barred kind of Christian.

That wasn't part of my plan. But I have a pretty good idea that my plan isn't God's plan. Not His A, or B, or C, or any other letter of the alphabet, for that matter.

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"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:6

Caught Up

Whilst scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I spotted this article that my friend posted. It kind of punched me in the face. And the gut. And basically everywhere else. She mentioned about how there are more things than just the latest Phil Robertson scandal. And I was going to ignore it. I really, truly, honestly was. If I'm going to be honest with you, then you should know that I ignore probably 95% of posts like this. Maybe even more than that. And I almost never share about them either. Maybe 1% of the time, but even that is probably too gracious of a percentile. I found myself debating about posting a link to this same article on my Facebook page, but upon continued scrolling, I decided it would just put a damper on everyone's mood.

And now I'm sitting here mentally face-palming as I type these words, describing to you my reasons for withholding such information. So it puts a damper on people's moods? SO WHAT. Maybe we need that.

Her equating it to Phil Robertson made me think: I've seen an inordinate amount of pictures and articles about him over the past...how long has it even been? Two days? For someone as social-media-saturated as myself, it feels like forever. I'm already sick of it. I feel like that's somewhat messed up of me...

Anyhow, I was thinking, if we, as Christians, raged and ranted this hard about actual, physical, horrible injustices that are being done to our brothers and sisters in the east, then maybe, MAYBE something would be done about it. Or someone might be stirred to action. But...that would be uncomfortable.

Please don't take my slight sarcasm there as me being haughty...or...I don't know. It makes me uncomfortable to think about doing something for these people. It makes me feel small and powerless. All I know how to do is pray, as of right now. The whole "go on a missions trip" idea comes to mind but I won't even begin to list the excuses I've been feeding myself (and God) anytime that prospect rears its head (which, going to a Christian university, is a lot more often than what might normally surround a person my age). That's a rabbit trail for a different blog post.

My point here is: What are we doing? Why are we posting all of these pro-Phil Robertson, boycott A&E things? What does that accomplish? Who does that help? So it gets the word out. Cool. Most people who take the time to look at those posts are going to be your Facebook friends (or Twitter/Instagram/whatever "followers") who already see things the same way you do. I think we're just fanning a flame that isn't going anywhere.

Boycotting rarely (to me) seems to do much of anything. And whenever Christians start talking about boycotting, it kind of makes me nervous. Is that the best course of action? I'm not saying it isn't, but I'm also not saying it is. There is definitely a point where Christians need to take a stand. I'm just not so sure how a bunch of Christians not watching A&E is going to do much. But hey, as someone who knows from personal experience, turning off the TV can prove to be beneficial over time.

But let's talk about Syria now, for a second. And let's talk about that article I linked to. If you didn't read it, go read it. I'll wait. Go ahead. Click the link.

...

Okay, you back? Good. Let's talk about how they think we're doing nothing to help them. Let's point out the fact that we ARE doing nothing. And I don't mean us as a government or as a nation. I mean us as their brothers and sisters in Christ. Us as a church. Do we care? Or are we all as caught up in the daily stupid, petty, not-eternally-relevant things? Do you, like I do, scroll past the one or two brave Facebook friends of yours who post controversial stuff like this? Do you take the time to pray? To let the seriousness of this stuff sink in?

Sure, Phil Robertson is being persecuted by A&E for speaking Biblical truths to a country that wants to stick their fingers in their ears and sing la-la-la. And sure, that's a bad thing. It's a sad thing. But where's all the hype and internet coverage for our brothers and sisters in Syria?

Don't get me wrong. I'm just as guilty, if not more so, for getting caught up in the feel-good-things. And the worst part is just how aware of it I am. I know how the media works and I still get swept away. I know how the social media works, and I'm still drowning in it. Heck, I'm using it right now to write this message to you. Let's not forget that. And I'm not saying that social media is a bad thing. I just know I don't always use it right. Or that I use it too much.

Getting back to my point again, if we can take all that time and energy "supporting" a rich man who got yelled at for saying something that people didn't like, can we not take the same amount of time and energy to freak out about the people being killed for the faith we claim to share with them? If we're going to rage, if we're going to rant, if we're going to post incessantly on the internet, can we please consider spreading the news about worldwide persecution? Not just the watered-down kind we seem to experience thanks to the mainstream media.